2023

 And here I thought 2020 was the most barbaric year in my lifetime.  And it was, no doubt, 2020 was certainly an experience and an eye opener.  This year though, this year the heartbreak was personal.  I know life is a series of anecdotes and coincidences, but man this year felt like a direct attack.  And I won't list the series of unfortunate events, some have already been disclosed on this blog.  So instead, as a big FU to this year (if that's even a thing), I'd rather not mention negative things; instead, I'd like to focus on the opportunities and cool things I lived thru in 2023.

I remember in January, we all got Covid, except for X.  The reason it is a good memory is because 1. it was tame and 2. it forced us all to be confined to the house until we got better.  After we were all starting to feel better, all we did was game all day.  I still worked but in between, I'd game with the boys.  Just hung out for days.  

Then a couple of weeks later, we checked out Michael Rappaport in SA.  That was cool.  X and I had an amazing time.  Went to a blues bar, hung out with some pals from SA.  

In February, we celebrated 7 years of marriage (although we have been together way more than that).  Took a little weekend trip to SA and had an amazing time.  Listened to jazz by the riverwalk, went to a drag bar for brunch (that was fun af), had dinner at this amazing place called Signature on La Cantera, it was a nice long weekend and it was really special and relaxing.

After my dad's diagnosis and stroke when he was flown to SA, I was distraught.  It was one of the worse feelings in the world.  But it also reminded me of the good people that exist in the world.  My best friend Gaby rushed to be by my side.  My son Rob took a week off from work so he could spend some time with the family and grandfather.  I got to see the helpers of the world, caring nurses and doctors, everyone putting the best effort to make sure my dad was getting the best help and the compassion they showed us.  They made a horrible situation less horrible.  I will never forget that. 

After his death during spring and after what my sister had gone through, I decided it was time to get a checkup and be more consistent on that and take better care of myself.  I began a new diet around May.  Nothing crazy, just calorie counting and less carbs.  I was able to shave off 14 lbs.  I felt better and looked better that even at work it was noticed.  (granted I have gained some holiday weight but I went back to healthy eating since yesterday, I did it before, I can do it again I suppose).

Although X lost his job and it was a very traumatic event for both of us, I think he needed a bit of a reset.  Maybe he still doesnt see it, but that job never appreciated him and dumped most of the work on him.  Plus it was very beneficial to our sick dog Rory.  He adored that dog and he would have felt terrible if he would not have had the time he gave him because of that job.  The way things happened was just right, for him and for Rory.  He will find something I have no doubt.  We are ok financially.

There were a few trips and events to mention.  My dad's memorial was amazing and so many people showed up.  Funerals are so sad and morose, that's what they are meant to be.  We wanted our dad to have a better send off.  He would have loved it.  We had some trips to Austin.  Once in summer and then again in the begining of fall.  Celebrated Gaby's bday in the summer and in the fall we stopped by on my way to the Ft Worth Show I go to every year for work.  We saw Depache Mode in concert.  Loved that.  We also saw Caifanes which I had not seen in decades.  Towards the end of the year we finally went to the RenFair near Houston.  Had a lot of fun.  We finally saw my son's new house in CS.  Very nice design.

We hosted Thanksgiving luncheon and party.  That was very well thought out and succesful.  Most of the work was X's.  I helped but only a bit.  Everyone had a very good time and there was no drama which was the point of it.

The last 2 months of the year were so busy for me, personally and professionaly.  Although I ended up exhausted, the work that I had to put into having better months professionaly for example, paid off.  I dont think I have ever had such a great November and December like this before.  Also, the fact that I have kept myself busy, allows me to put all the bad stuff out of my mind.  Although, admittingly, sometimes during downtime, it all comes crashing down and then I lose myself emotionally.  As people have pointed out, I have to go through it regardless if it is now or later, it is just natural to happen for my own mental stability.  Our brains require the closure to be able to move on, and if you put it off, it still comes at you.  But I still have to do it my way, I dont know any other way to do it.

Another good note to point out, although Clara is very sick and has an incurable disease, she seems to be responding well to her treatment.  My only hope is that it can extend her life until she reaches her full life cycle which can be an extra 4 to 5 years on bassets.  We will try our best to keep her with us as much as we can.  As long as shes comfortable and happy which she seems to be so far.

Although the number changes, the way I look and feel wont change at midnight, that will take time.  I am ok with that.  Not looking to rush anything in my physical appearance or my emotional journey to heal from all the traumatic events that took place this year.  I know they wont be the last either.  Just need to take it all in and slowly go through it.  And just enjoy life no matter what happens.  I want to learn to enjoy life more.  Even the things that seem insignificant.  And take more pictures.  I need to document more.  

My goals for 2024 is that.  Take things slower, stop rushing all the time.  Learn to enjoy life more.  Document more as my memory is not that great and also because, as I said before, I would like to leave some sort of footprint of my life, or some aspect of it.  Be more organized at home and work.  Finally upgrade my closet. And definitely go back to my health kick.  

To those 5 readers that follow me and anyone else that may find this, have a very safe and happy new year!  See you next year!

Post Thanksgiving blog

Well Thanksgiving came and went and I am happy to say that it was a great success!  

There was plenty of food, plenty of drink, plenty of laughs and singing and rock band.  I was both happy to see everyone and exhausted for all the work and love we put into the event. Not to mention the fact that I had been preparing all week for an event at work for Black Friday (which was also a success!).

I was afraid at some point it would turn into drama because some of us are no longer around, but that didnt happen.  At least not that I know.  I did get tiny moments where I would think of my dad and how I was always trying to impress him with the wine I bought or the drink I made for him, and at some point we would have small talk about politics, but it would be soon broken up by my mother and we would continue with something else that was just ours and nobody else cared about.  We were like that sometimes.  And then I'd think of my Rory and how he'd be enjoying the party and trying to catch anything that fell from the table.  My little kitchen companion.  But those tiny moments were moments of nostalgia that didnt go any further as I would be required to go help out or someone needed me or wanted my attention.  All in all, it was mostly fun with a side of nostalgia.  Which, to me, is how a holiday party should be.  

I already miss everyone but I guess that is why it is so special.  If you had that every weekend, it would not be the same.  It is special because we give ourselves time to miss each other.  And also because as we get older, we start losing more people and it really makes you think about your own mortality, like is this my last one? or so and so is looking a little bit off or feeble and you start to wonder...😬  It's a little morbid, I know, but it is kind of inevitable to push aside.  It is what it is, just odd how these are things that dont even cross your mind when youre 20 or 30.  But I digress... there's still another party coming anyway, we are having one for Xmas but that one will be hosted by my sister thankfully so I can relax and have a good time.  I only have to worry about my drink and possibly a side and I promise you that it will not be the green pasta.  Maybe one day I'll blog about that green pasta and the work it takes to make.  

It is crazy how November is gone already.  This year has been a breeze but also the longest year if that makes sense.  Hell, I remember how just January felt like it had an extra week, man it felt like forever.  It was too much.  Like the first half of the year was slow and then the second just flew.  As soon as summer started it just went by so quick.

Well, that's it for today.  Need to get back to work and make some coin.  Bills aint gonna pay themselves.  

Have a good weekend reader!

Thanksgiving 2023

We are hosting and I am kind of anxious.  X says he needs it to get his mind off of the shitty year we have had.  He finds comfort in the fact that all our kids will be there under one roof for one day.  I wish I shared that sentiment.  Yes, I am happy to see them all, but I am not that excited.  Between my dad's funeral expenses, helping out my family, paying taxes, Rory's disease and death and now Clara's disease, I am broke.  I have had to dig into my savings and I hate it.  I had that money put away for something else and emergencies.  

I guess this is kind of an emergency (clara) but still, it annoys me and makes me anxious.  

So yeah, having the "kids" over usually means I have to spend extra money.  Sometimes R comes in with groceries, so hopefully he will do this as well this weekend bc I dont think I have anything extra to feed them except for turkey.  😬 

*side note- I say kids like that because they are NOT kids at all.  They are all adults capable of paying their own shit but they dont.  It's my fault though, I have coddled them way too much.  I want to say I am done doing that. I mean, not like I have much choice right now in the matter anyway.

But I digress... thankfully we have bought everything we need for the event and maybe I can take a rest and not think about crazy money spending until next year.  My sister hosts the Christmas party this year.  So theres that at least.  Seems like shes coming around financially and I am so relieved for that and happy for her.

I just want to be stable again.  It sucks if people show up and I got nothing to offer.  All I can do right now is take care of my household and pay bills.  And that aint me.  Hasnt been me for years.

I just need to be patient and relax, because if there is one thing I do know is that I will bounce back.  I always do.  I am just a little anxious about everything that has happened in the past few months.  I wanna say im depressed but im not, not really.  I am anxious and at times very sad or bitter.  But I brush it off as quickly as I can because I have to.  No choice.  Gotta keep moving.

Now that I have poured my guts a bit, I think I feel a little better.  I know I have a handful of readers out there.  Whoever you are.  Thanks for taking an interest.  Hope to be in a better mood next time.  Or tell tales of abundance instead of this patheticness.

Have a great Thanksgiving Holiday!  🦃

Clara appreciation post

Clara is always happy to be home after a long trip.  Especially when she spent it at the hospital.  Love my baby girl.

High school band and color guard

 So this is a new topic for me.  Although I have been married to a man that is a band, drummer, DCI enthusiast and fan, I have never really been that interested.

This past saturday my sister invited me to go support my niece as her school was going to perform and she was going to be a participant as part of the dance group.  I was not expecting much to be honest.  But I was pleasantly surprised.

I remember maybe seeing a couple of these events back when I was younger.  They bored me so much or I expected too much and thought they were subpar.  Well things have changed.  These kids have really stepped it up a few notches.  I was very impressed.  I loved the way my husband and my sister were connecting on this subject.  Like they were really into it.

Anyway.  My niece's school did make it to state.  So I am very proud of her and all her team.  I couldnt find their performance but I will leave the ones that won that night.  Which I also loved.  Ever since they came out and I saw the art, I said, they need to win.  Very good and beautiful performance.  Also because they added the theme to one of my favorite shows of all time.

Enjoy!

Dont feel guilt for this...

 

Guilt tries to sneak in when you least expect it.  You smile and feel at peace and bam!  It hits you.  I dont think so, not with this.  I had left this on my cart last time I logged in to HEB. Was gonna see if Rory ate it.  We fed him all types of food to entice his apetite.   We didnt try, we DID everything that we could. I want us to get through this and grieve the way we need to, and even though guilt will come in to play every now and then, we shouldnt allow it. Guilt is not welcome here. We did everything we could to save him, his little body gave out.  It is sad and heartbreaking because he was everything to us, but we did right by him up until the very end.  

throwaway post...

Its mostly been a shit year to say the least but im not going to let it bring me down.  The universe can keep flinging shit at me, ill take it standing up and keep going upwards.  I have a choice to let it fuck me, or I can just keep going.  I choose to keep living and enjoy the things I still have.  It is apparent we dont last long here anyway.  No use wasting time feeling sorry for myself.  

I am me.  Shit can shape me, but even at my saddest and angriest, I have learned to look for the good sides instead of just becoming bitter.  

Life can be a series of caca, but it can also be amazing.  And the good things are out there as much as the bad ones.  So I choose to keep pursuing and enjoying the good things.  One day it will be my turn to go.  I hope I get to do it with a smile.  I sure as hell will try.

Rory

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our most loyal friend.  Our baby.  Our pedatito.  Rory.  

What can I say about one of our oldest companions?  How do you fit in 11 1/2 years of love, companionship, anecdotes, trips, licks, hugs, stretches, pictures, amazing times in just one blog.  It wouldnt fit in just one blog.  There is just no way.

Right now I dont have the words.  I know one day I will be inspired to write something more beautiful about my Rory, honoring him the way he should be honored.  But not today.  Today it is just dark.

All I can say today is that there is a hole in my heart.  I feel like I got punched in the stomach and all the air is out and I can hardly breathe.  

I am trying to cope by using logic, but it isnt working.  That hole is still there.  I know in time I will heal and I will be ok.  I have to be.  But right now I feel empty.  

I already miss my little baby boy.  Although he had been sick for a while and he wasn't the same Rory as before, I was ready to take care of my little old man.  But they gave us bad news at the vet's office.  And the damage done to his liver was irreversible.  He was skin and bones and had not eaten a full meal in days.  It was just a matter of time and it was coming in quick.  So we did the selfless thing to do, at the expense of our hearts, but it was the right thing to do for him.  

I will come back here and share some stories of him, of happier days.  But I had to mark this very meaningful occasion and just say, as much as it pains me, that he is no longer in this world.

My beautiful pedatito.  I will always remember you as the fighter that you were.  With all the medical issues you had, it never showed, at least not until the very end.  11 wonderful years.  Thank you my baby.  

Happy birthday dad

Today you would have been 72 years old.  All this week I would have been planning your dinner or get together, it was weird not to do so.  I am so glad we threw a nice shindig last year for you.  I had no idea it would be your last but such is life, such is death.  It still feels like it wasnt that long ago.  I miss you dad.  I am sure I always will.  I know you live in me and I feel your presence sometimes when I say certain things or when I know exactly what you would say on certain ocassions and I smile when that happens.  You would never want us to be sad and I know you would love to be remembered with a smile.  So I will do just that.  Happy birthday Papi!  I love you.

PS.  There is a solar eclipse today.  You would have been all into that and would probably be writing about it for your radio talk show.  :)

 

Ghosts Again- Memento Mori

Recently, I went to a Depache Mode concert.  Suffice to say, I did not expect what I got.  I have always been somewhat of a fan and always found Dave's (frontman) voice sexy and mysterious so I thought I was getting some sort of dark sexy show.  And it was in some parts.  But I was not expecting to also see and hear dread.  Unbeknownst to me, one of the band members passed away a year ago.  So the conversation of death was present in their new material and having never even heard their new stuff, I felt it.  Especially when they sung "Speak to me", which is dark but full of hope.

But there was another song in their setlist that was also new to me called Ghosts Again.  At first I liked the tune as it reminded me of something from my youth.  Sounded like the group Moenia a bit.  Then I heard it again on my own and it quickly became one of my favorite songs.  The lyrics arent detailed or complex, but hit hard to the reality that we are all going to die one day.  I mean, their album is called Memento Mori, which means, remember we all must die.  It's true.

I dont know if it was the pandemic or the fact that I am getting older or both, but I have lost so many people in the past 3 1/2 years.  People that I wouldnt think it was their time because they werent old.  And they all hurt.  When someone dies, it is always a reminder of how short life can be and how death is inevitable but then time heals you and you forget.

Then someone very close to you dies.  In my case, my father.  He was always there, always present.  Someone who has been there all your life.  Has seen you through everything in your own life, a baby, a child, a teenager, an adult, a mother.... just always there and then... he's not, just gone.  As the song says, "everybody says goodbye".  Because it is true, eventually if you dont leave, you get left behind.  It is just natural and it is inevitable.  There is nothing truer than memento mori.

I leave you with the music video and song.  Below an article and the band's take on the song.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have these past couple of weeks.

February 10, 2023  Music / Premium
Depeche Mode, Ghosts Again: the lyrics & their meaning
Posted by Auralcrave
Ghosts Again is a song released by Depeche Mode in 2023, the first single anticipating their album Memento Mori. It represents the first music officially released after the death of their keyboardist Andy Fletcher in 2022: Depeche Mode are now composed only of Dave Gahan and Martin Gore, two survivors dealing with death in their new album. Let’s analyze the meaning of the lyrics and how it fits the latest phase of their career. You will also find the complete lyrics at the end.
You can watch the official video of Ghosts Again below.
Depeche Mode - Ghosts Again (Official Video)
Watch this video on YouTube.
Dealing with death: Ghosts Again, the lyrics and their meaning
Ghosts Again is a song about death and mortality. In the lyrics, Depeche Mode reflects on how life looks temporary, and weightless, when we think about death and how it can suddenly put everything into a different perspective. In the video, Martin Gore and Dave Gahan reenact the historical chess game with the Death from Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal, a symbol of the impossible challenge for a human to win over death.

The lyrics of Ghosts Again are short and highly symbolic. They describe how things in life can suddenly disappear, break, and vanish. Reflecting on our mortal nature, we realize that one day we will be ghosts (again), dissolving our material consistency.

It’s a series of thoughts that don’t really bring us in any specific direction. If any, they invite us to be less attached to the material things of life: they will all be gone, and they can disappear in a single moment if death comes to visit us. Even faith and love can’t help: inevitably, life will turn into a ghost one day.

The meaning of the lyrics in Ghosts Again, therefore, represents Depeche Mode’s first take on life and death, after Andy Fletcher left the world. Memento Mori, the title of their new album, is a Latin expression meaning “remember you must die,” revealing that death will be a heavy topic of their music in 2023. Let’s wait for more songs and words in the upcoming months.

WWDITS - Season 5

Damn that was a good season and they really brought it in the last 2 episodes.  So go watch it.

The point of this blog is not so much to talk about the seasons itself or what has happened.  I guess I was very sad once I realized that it was over for a while. It may sound silly but I feel like my friends have gone away.  This show was my comfort zone right now.  I just barely started watching it a few months ago but I really got to binge the whole thing a couple of month ago and it really distracts me from whatever sadness haunts me.  I think it kinda has to do with the fact that this is a show about vampires and in a weird way it comforts me to see some sort of immortality being portrayed even if it's just fiction.  Makes me miss my dad even more, I mean it hasnt been that long and I'm still pretty raw about it.  I just wish he could've lived longer.  It's odd for me to make that connection but it exists in my head.  

So without spoiling it too much, all I can say is Nandor takes the end of the season and makes it his and it very well deserved IMO.  Talk about character development.  I mean shit gets real and it makes you feel things.  It was good.  Very good writing.  

I did read that they are planning a season 6.  So Hollywood please get your shit together and pay these writers what they are worth.  Also the cast and crew while you are at it.  They have certainly earned it.

Hopefully I wont have to wait too long before I see my buddies again.  

Day off after a big storm

My yard is complete garbage today.  

So, hurricane Harold touched ground yesterday in SPI, pretty much the Gulf in South Texas.  That means Laredo got a bit of it.  It rained for about 5 hours straight.  The trash bin was empty from trash but the lid was open, I kid you not it was half way full from rain water.  2 to 3 inches my ass.  My pool got destroyed.  It looks like a chocolate pond out of a Willy Wonka movie.  I've been doing back washes and treating it.  I've cleaned it before when it's like this and it does take a few days, but hopefully the pool ppl come today and help out.  I'm sure about half of the dirt that was in there is gone but there's still a lot.  But there's progress, I can already see the first step.  

So I started this about 4 hours ago and got busy grocery shopping and then putting stuff away.

Update on the pool.  The pool guy was here and told me to never turn on the pump when I'm trying to clean out dirt and debris.  That I need to let it settle to the ground so it can be extracted better, which makes a lot of sense.  The other pool ppl I had told me the opposite!!!  I feel like I have wasted precious time cleaning the pool.  Ugh.  Let's see if it settles enough for tomorrow.

Oh and I feel like crap.  I am feeling fatigued.  I'm wondering if it's allergies or if I caught something.  

Foot massage

I went home for lunch, not really to eat.  I usually dont eat when I go home, but I used to go to let the dogs out since they were alone most of the day.  But since now X is there, I dont really have to worry about it at all.  I go just to hang out with my crew.  It's good to leave the office and spend time with your loved ones if possible and my office is close by.  

So I get to the house and do the usual things, say hi to X, the pups, check my phone, snack on a thing or 2, chat for a bit, etc.  I was getting ready to put on my shoes to leave and X decides to give me a foot massage.  My gosh, that man really knows how to use his hands.  He puts the right amount of pressure, his hands are strong but soft.  It just feels so good.  It is crazy how he has made my inhibitions drop so much.  I remember there was a time when I wouldnt let anyone touch my feet.  I still dont like people looking at them.  Still he made me comfortable enough to allow him to do it.  And now I even let the pedicure people massage them.  So much pressure goes to the legs and feet all day.  I think everyone should get one every other week.  Or at least once a month.  For the most part, people that do that for a living are good at it, but nobody does it better than X.  

And now the day has gotten a lot better.  It had started off a little sideways and I was in a grouchy mood because of it.  As the day progressed it got a little less annoying.  But now with this, any lingering annoyance has vaporized and I can't even remember why I was cranky to begin with.  That is how good his hands are.  I count my blessings with this man.  Idk.  I thought I'd share this.  He makes me happy.  

Studies in modern movement

Studies in modern movement is probably one of the best episodes of #Community

After watching it a few times over the last couple of years, I came to the realization that Jeff wasn't being selfish, he was going through something big and needed to be alone. Remember this episode comes after Pierce's dad dies following an argument with Jeff and this seems to have an effect on him. For example, the girl at the shop was throwing herself at him and he didn't follow through (so not like him). At the end he's crying over the death of a make believe horse. Jeff was going through serious crap. When he has the argument with the dean after the karaoke song, it's because the dean read the email he wrote to his therapist about being alone. They do it as such a throwaway line but it's pretty big. If you haven't noticed it, watch it again. It's deep and shows you how broken some people are and they pretend not to be. One really never knows what someone is going through, so let's try to be kind all the time. Hats off to the writers. 

Random day Aug 1st, 2023

 It's one of those non eventful days today.  We are mid summer.  Work has been busy thankfully.  Having my office in the back is the best thing ever as I dont have to listen to people's children.  I know that sounds mean but I cant help it.  I have little patience with wild children.  There's some very well behaved children but the ones I usually see here are terrible.  It's not their fault.  The parents suck.  Not sure why they even have kids if they are not going to educate them and mind them.

I dont know what else to say.  I feel unmotivated right now.  Like I was on a roll earlier but I feel like all of a sudden I have no direction.  I think it is time to go home.  Still gotta make dinner.  

My afternoons are so short when I get home.  I thought I might go for a swim but I am lazy at this point.  Maybe I will aram.  Maybe not.  we will see.

Bleh.

It's been a while..

I think it has been a good 10 years since I have poured my thoughts into this thing.  

So much has happened since.  The pandemic of 2020 for starters.  I am not going to get into it, but I survived it.  I am a veteran of all strains covid since I have gotten it 3 times that I know of.  The last one was almost non existent, I have gotten worse colds.  

My husband's kids eventually moved in with us.  One of them already moved out.  Life is just moving at an incredible pace.  I blogged before about how we should also enjoy montonous moments but man, they go by so fast.  Hours dont seem to last as long as they used to, even when I am bored.  

I dont have the time or the patience to write what has happened in my life since I last came here.  The reason I came back was because I want to share what I have been through in the last 8 months.  My life and that of my family's has been pure chaos.  It seems like it is starting to settle down a bit, but man, spring of 2023, fuck you.  It has not been the most pleasant.

Around Thanksgiving of 2022, my sister almost died.  She had a hysteroctomy, whether it was because the dr did a shit job or she didnt take care of herself, or both, I am unsure.  But she spent months in and out of the hospital and doctor's visits to be able to recover from it.  Finally when we think everything will be ok, my dad gets sick around february 2023.  They found cancer in his gall bladder (rare cancer), the tumor was removed but it had metastasized to his liver and lungs.  So this was already stage 4.  I really believe there was negligence from his initial doctors.  He started developing liquid on the side of one of his lungs from all the surgeries he had and they still sent him home.  This all started the last week of February by the midle of March he was not getting better enough to start treatment.  Rather than put him in an ambulance or go to a bigger city (which is what I wanted), he remained home.  Just waiting for radiology to be able to have time for him to pump out the liquid.  When they finally had him in the hospital right before his procedure, he gets a stroke and gets flown to San Antonio.  Long story short, 2 weeks later on the early morning of April 4th 2023, he dies.  He didnt expire, pass away, cease to exist or any of those nicer words people like to say when this happens.  He fucking died.  

I have kept my cool.  I have kept to myself mostly about it, I have opened up to a couple of people and even then, not as much as they think.  I understand how things work.  I have lost other people in my life, very dear people that have left a mark in my life and that I will never forget.  But this is different.  It is so very different when it is one of your parents.  One will never understand until it happens to them.  It really does affect you in a different way.  My dad and I were close.  I guess we couldve been closer, I couldve put in more effort, but such is life.  

Some people would like to think one day we will see him again.  Some people pray and they feel better doing so.  I think I am spiritual but I also believe that the end is just that... the end.  But when it happens to someone who has been there your entire life, who you have known since birth and have grown with, it becomes so very real.  And you want to believe that maybe there is a way to connect with the dead somehow.  But as time goes by, reality sets.  And the reality is, I will never phisically ever see him again.  Ever.  In my dreams, in my thoughts, in videos or pictures, I may even feel his presence sometimes if I think of him enough and listen to his music or watch the shows we used to watch and critique.  Yes, I do believe he will always be a part of me and it does comfort me.  But I will never really see him again.  He stopped growing.  His life stopped and interrupted whatever else he would become in his twilight years.  And I am going to miss that.  Whether it was going to be wonderful or painful, it was still going to be some sort of experience that I was really looking forward to having and sharing with him.  I miss him more than anyone knows.  People for the most part think I am cold and in some things I am.  But my heart is shattered right now.  I know it will mend and I want to stop feeling this way but I understand this is part of my process and I will have to get through it.  Time will help me heal.

Oh I forgot to mention, right when we were planning the ceremony for my dad, mid April, my husband lost his job he had been at for 25 years.  For all his years of service, they gave him a shitty severance that has kept him from receiving unemployment until August.  It pisses me off, but not because of the money.  The emotional baggage that comes with losing a job you put so much of yourself into is tough.  He is resilient and puts on a brave face, but I know it hurt.  He's not a robot, of course it hurt and I feel like I have not been there emotionally 100% for him the way I should because I am over here feeling sorry for myself because I lost a parent.  

I am not the 1st or last to lose a parent.  It is, after all the natural order of things.  He was 71.  Lived a full healthy life, worked until the end.  He was fine, until he wasnt.  I knew the cancer would eventually take him.  I just really wish the stroke hadnt happened.  The last 2 weeks of his life, he could not communicate with us and that really sucked.  To not be able to express your last thoughts.  Such a shitty way to go.  Especially for a man like him.  Who liked to express his opinions and give advice and write lovely letters on special and not so special occasions.  He was even writing a story about his time as a teenager back in the 60s.  He loved writing.  So I am sure knowing the end was coming, he had something to say about it.  I so wanted to read those thoughts.

This is probably the reason I came back here.  So I can express my thoughts on here again.  Make sure theres a permanent footprint of me left behind somewhere.  My dad inspired me to keep writing even if it is just blogs about my life or thoughts.  Maybe someone will one day come across it.  It is a public blog after all.  So he couldnt express his last thoughts and that tortures me, but writing has always helped me heal.  I will make myself think that this is his way of telling me to come back here and heal my broken soul.  Because that was one of the last conversations we had.  He told me he didnt want me to worry or be sad.  So I will do this to honor that.  

As I write this last paragraph, I am listening to Buffalo by RCPM and although the lyrics have nothing to do with what I am feeling, I embrace the way the melody makes me feel.  But I digress....I want you, the reader, to know I am ok and I will be ok.  If you are going through something traumatic, it will pass.  Just like everything else.  One day we stop breathing and our heart stops beating and that will be that.  But life keeps on going for those of us left behind and although this wont be my only sad story to tell, I know there will be good stories as well.  I will make the effort to share those as well.  Life is beautiful.  Enjoy it.