Just... something.

Who could have thought that things would hurt even more as time goes by.  Why do people say that time heals all?  It's more like time allows you to get used to the pain.  Or maybe as we get older, the feeling is more pronounced, like it resonates more.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with dearly departed family or friends.  Maybe it has to do with growing older, body changes, hormones, i dont know.  All I can say is that I am very very sad.  I am really good at shaking it off and building my walls until it goes away.  This time, this past 2 weeks, it just kept growing and this past weekend I actually had to take a normalizer because it was unbearable to even breathe.  Is this what clinical depression feels like?  I dont want to be on pills, I like knowing that I am in control but this was scary.  After the pill I took I was able to finally breathe easy and relax.  I took a nap and then was able to have a good night sleep.  I feel a lot better today.  I am hoping this was just a random episode.  I dont have time for this.  I need a mental break and so I am taking a couple of days off to relax and allow myself to enjoy a different ambiance.  Maybe that is all I need.  Regardless, I am looking forward to this.  Being near X always makes me feel better too.  I think I may blog about this trip here.  I feel like I only come and pour sadness and despair and that is not the only thing I have in my life.  

Ill do my best to share pics and experiences from this coming weekend.

Rory

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our most loyal friend.  Our baby.  Our pedatito.  Rory.  

What can I say about one of our oldest companions?  How do you fit in 11 1/2 years of love, companionship, anecdotes, trips, licks, hugs, stretches, pictures, amazing times in just one blog.  It wouldnt fit in just one blog.  There is just no way.

Right now I dont have the words.  I know one day I will be inspired to write something more beautiful about my Rory, honoring him the way he should be honored.  But not today.  Today it is just dark.

All I can say today is that there is a hole in my heart.  I feel like I got punched in the stomach and all the air is out and I can hardly breathe.  

I am trying to cope by using logic, but it isnt working.  That hole is still there.  I know in time I will heal and I will be ok.  I have to be.  But right now I feel empty.  

I already miss my little baby boy.  Although he had been sick for a while and he wasn't the same Rory as before, I was ready to take care of my little old man.  But they gave us bad news at the vet's office.  And the damage done to his liver was irreversible.  He was skin and bones and had not eaten a full meal in days.  It was just a matter of time and it was coming in quick.  So we did the selfless thing to do, at the expense of our hearts, but it was the right thing to do for him.  

I will come back here and share some stories of him, of happier days.  But I had to mark this very meaningful occasion and just say, as much as it pains me, that he is no longer in this world.

My beautiful pedatito.  I will always remember you as the fighter that you were.  With all the medical issues you had, it never showed, at least not until the very end.  11 wonderful years.  Thank you my baby.  

Studies in modern movement

Studies in modern movement is probably one of the best episodes of #Community

After watching it a few times over the last couple of years, I came to the realization that Jeff wasn't being selfish, he was going through something big and needed to be alone. Remember this episode comes after Pierce's dad dies following an argument with Jeff and this seems to have an effect on him. For example, the girl at the shop was throwing herself at him and he didn't follow through (so not like him). At the end he's crying over the death of a make believe horse. Jeff was going through serious crap. When he has the argument with the dean after the karaoke song, it's because the dean read the email he wrote to his therapist about being alone. They do it as such a throwaway line but it's pretty big. If you haven't noticed it, watch it again. It's deep and shows you how broken some people are and they pretend not to be. One really never knows what someone is going through, so let's try to be kind all the time. Hats off to the writers.