Clara 5/20/2013-7/20/2024

My warm goldita.  Mi mamas goldas.  I am going to miss you so much.  The fact that your usual scent was of warm milk and oatmeal, oh man I am going to miss that smell so much.  And your warm kisses whenever you felt like showing affection.  Your breathing on my leg when you wanted a snack from the table.  There are so many anecdotes and memories to fit into just this one blog.  

Like that time you got your head stuck in a bag of charcoal, or when you always tried to take my towel off my head after I showered.  You would be on top of the bed waiting for me to exit the bathroom and your tail would start going crazy.  I'm going to miss that sound.  The way you would bark incessantly at any worker that went to the house.  You even went on a little adventure with Duncan and went missing for a few hours a few years ago in July.  You wanted to go live with the cows.  So many memories.

You meant a lot to me.  We did everything to give you a dignified life although we knew it was just a matter of time.  The extra time you gave us was beautiful, with some ups and some downs but more ups than downs; and I believe we did good by you in these last 9 months when it came to quality of life after we found out you had cancer.  You showed us you were happy, you were so loving, energetic and passionate about taking on the role of alpha after Rory left us.  I have no regrets.  If I knew 9 months ago that that day would be the last day, I would not change a thing.  Every sacrifice, every dollar spent, every hour spent with you was worth it and I am sure in your own way you enjoyed the time you had left with the people that you loved and that includes Duncan and Amelia.  I think they are still in shock.  They seem a little lost without you.  We all do.  

We are all born to die, it is what we do in between that matters.  I will remember the good times you gave us and I will smile when I think about you.  RIP my sweet goldita.  I will never forget you and will miss you forever.

throwaway post...

Its mostly been a shit year to say the least but im not going to let it bring me down.  The universe can keep flinging shit at me, ill take it standing up and keep going upwards.  I have a choice to let it fuck me, or I can just keep going.  I choose to keep living and enjoy the things I still have.  It is apparent we dont last long here anyway.  No use wasting time feeling sorry for myself.  

I am me.  Shit can shape me, but even at my saddest and angriest, I have learned to look for the good sides instead of just becoming bitter.  

Life can be a series of caca, but it can also be amazing.  And the good things are out there as much as the bad ones.  So I choose to keep pursuing and enjoying the good things.  One day it will be my turn to go.  I hope I get to do it with a smile.  I sure as hell will try.

Rory

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our most loyal friend.  Our baby.  Our pedatito.  Rory.  

What can I say about one of our oldest companions?  How do you fit in 11 1/2 years of love, companionship, anecdotes, trips, licks, hugs, stretches, pictures, amazing times in just one blog.  It wouldnt fit in just one blog.  There is just no way.

Right now I dont have the words.  I know one day I will be inspired to write something more beautiful about my Rory, honoring him the way he should be honored.  But not today.  Today it is just dark.

All I can say today is that there is a hole in my heart.  I feel like I got punched in the stomach and all the air is out and I can hardly breathe.  

I am trying to cope by using logic, but it isnt working.  That hole is still there.  I know in time I will heal and I will be ok.  I have to be.  But right now I feel empty.  

I already miss my little baby boy.  Although he had been sick for a while and he wasn't the same Rory as before, I was ready to take care of my little old man.  But they gave us bad news at the vet's office.  And the damage done to his liver was irreversible.  He was skin and bones and had not eaten a full meal in days.  It was just a matter of time and it was coming in quick.  So we did the selfless thing to do, at the expense of our hearts, but it was the right thing to do for him.  

I will come back here and share some stories of him, of happier days.  But I had to mark this very meaningful occasion and just say, as much as it pains me, that he is no longer in this world.

My beautiful pedatito.  I will always remember you as the fighter that you were.  With all the medical issues you had, it never showed, at least not until the very end.  11 wonderful years.  Thank you my baby.  

Happy birthday dad

Today you would have been 72 years old.  All this week I would have been planning your dinner or get together, it was weird not to do so.  I am so glad we threw a nice shindig last year for you.  I had no idea it would be your last but such is life, such is death.  It still feels like it wasnt that long ago.  I miss you dad.  I am sure I always will.  I know you live in me and I feel your presence sometimes when I say certain things or when I know exactly what you would say on certain ocassions and I smile when that happens.  You would never want us to be sad and I know you would love to be remembered with a smile.  So I will do just that.  Happy birthday Papi!  I love you.

PS.  There is a solar eclipse today.  You would have been all into that and would probably be writing about it for your radio talk show.  :)

 

Ghosts Again- Memento Mori

Recently, I went to a Depache Mode concert.  Suffice to say, I did not expect what I got.  I have always been somewhat of a fan and always found Dave's (frontman) voice sexy and mysterious so I thought I was getting some sort of dark sexy show.  And it was in some parts.  But I was not expecting to also see and hear dread.  Unbeknownst to me, one of the band members passed away a year ago.  So the conversation of death was present in their new material and having never even heard their new stuff, I felt it.  Especially when they sung "Speak to me", which is dark but full of hope.

But there was another song in their setlist that was also new to me called Ghosts Again.  At first I liked the tune as it reminded me of something from my youth.  Sounded like the group Moenia a bit.  Then I heard it again on my own and it quickly became one of my favorite songs.  The lyrics arent detailed or complex, but hit hard to the reality that we are all going to die one day.  I mean, their album is called Memento Mori, which means, remember we all must die.  It's true.

I dont know if it was the pandemic or the fact that I am getting older or both, but I have lost so many people in the past 3 1/2 years.  People that I wouldnt think it was their time because they werent old.  And they all hurt.  When someone dies, it is always a reminder of how short life can be and how death is inevitable but then time heals you and you forget.

Then someone very close to you dies.  In my case, my father.  He was always there, always present.  Someone who has been there all your life.  Has seen you through everything in your own life, a baby, a child, a teenager, an adult, a mother.... just always there and then... he's not, just gone.  As the song says, "everybody says goodbye".  Because it is true, eventually if you dont leave, you get left behind.  It is just natural and it is inevitable.  There is nothing truer than memento mori.

I leave you with the music video and song.  Below an article and the band's take on the song.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have these past couple of weeks.

February 10, 2023  Music / Premium
Depeche Mode, Ghosts Again: the lyrics & their meaning
Posted by Auralcrave
Ghosts Again is a song released by Depeche Mode in 2023, the first single anticipating their album Memento Mori. It represents the first music officially released after the death of their keyboardist Andy Fletcher in 2022: Depeche Mode are now composed only of Dave Gahan and Martin Gore, two survivors dealing with death in their new album. Let’s analyze the meaning of the lyrics and how it fits the latest phase of their career. You will also find the complete lyrics at the end.
You can watch the official video of Ghosts Again below.
Depeche Mode - Ghosts Again (Official Video)
Watch this video on YouTube.
Dealing with death: Ghosts Again, the lyrics and their meaning
Ghosts Again is a song about death and mortality. In the lyrics, Depeche Mode reflects on how life looks temporary, and weightless, when we think about death and how it can suddenly put everything into a different perspective. In the video, Martin Gore and Dave Gahan reenact the historical chess game with the Death from Ingmar Bergman’s The Seventh Seal, a symbol of the impossible challenge for a human to win over death.

The lyrics of Ghosts Again are short and highly symbolic. They describe how things in life can suddenly disappear, break, and vanish. Reflecting on our mortal nature, we realize that one day we will be ghosts (again), dissolving our material consistency.

It’s a series of thoughts that don’t really bring us in any specific direction. If any, they invite us to be less attached to the material things of life: they will all be gone, and they can disappear in a single moment if death comes to visit us. Even faith and love can’t help: inevitably, life will turn into a ghost one day.

The meaning of the lyrics in Ghosts Again, therefore, represents Depeche Mode’s first take on life and death, after Andy Fletcher left the world. Memento Mori, the title of their new album, is a Latin expression meaning “remember you must die,” revealing that death will be a heavy topic of their music in 2023. Let’s wait for more songs and words in the upcoming months.

WWDITS - Season 5

Damn that was a good season and they really brought it in the last 2 episodes.  So go watch it.

The point of this blog is not so much to talk about the seasons itself or what has happened.  I guess I was very sad once I realized that it was over for a while. It may sound silly but I feel like my friends have gone away.  This show was my comfort zone right now.  I just barely started watching it a few months ago but I really got to binge the whole thing a couple of month ago and it really distracts me from whatever sadness haunts me.  I think it kinda has to do with the fact that this is a show about vampires and in a weird way it comforts me to see some sort of immortality being portrayed even if it's just fiction.  Makes me miss my dad even more, I mean it hasnt been that long and I'm still pretty raw about it.  I just wish he could've lived longer.  It's odd for me to make that connection but it exists in my head.  

So without spoiling it too much, all I can say is Nandor takes the end of the season and makes it his and it very well deserved IMO.  Talk about character development.  I mean shit gets real and it makes you feel things.  It was good.  Very good writing.  

I did read that they are planning a season 6.  So Hollywood please get your shit together and pay these writers what they are worth.  Also the cast and crew while you are at it.  They have certainly earned it.

Hopefully I wont have to wait too long before I see my buddies again.  

It's been a while..

I think it has been a good 10 years since I have poured my thoughts into this thing.  

So much has happened since.  The pandemic of 2020 for starters.  I am not going to get into it, but I survived it.  I am a veteran of all strains covid since I have gotten it 3 times that I know of.  The last one was almost non existent, I have gotten worse colds.  

My husband's kids eventually moved in with us.  One of them already moved out.  Life is just moving at an incredible pace.  I blogged before about how we should also enjoy montonous moments but man, they go by so fast.  Hours dont seem to last as long as they used to, even when I am bored.  

I dont have the time or the patience to write what has happened in my life since I last came here.  The reason I came back was because I want to share what I have been through in the last 8 months.  My life and that of my family's has been pure chaos.  It seems like it is starting to settle down a bit, but man, spring of 2023, fuck you.  It has not been the most pleasant.

Around Thanksgiving of 2022, my sister almost died.  She had a hysteroctomy, whether it was because the dr did a shit job or she didnt take care of herself, or both, I am unsure.  But she spent months in and out of the hospital and doctor's visits to be able to recover from it.  Finally when we think everything will be ok, my dad gets sick around february 2023.  They found cancer in his gall bladder (rare cancer), the tumor was removed but it had metastasized to his liver and lungs.  So this was already stage 4.  I really believe there was negligence from his initial doctors.  He started developing liquid on the side of one of his lungs from all the surgeries he had and they still sent him home.  This all started the last week of February by the midle of March he was not getting better enough to start treatment.  Rather than put him in an ambulance or go to a bigger city (which is what I wanted), he remained home.  Just waiting for radiology to be able to have time for him to pump out the liquid.  When they finally had him in the hospital right before his procedure, he gets a stroke and gets flown to San Antonio.  Long story short, 2 weeks later on the early morning of April 4th 2023, he dies.  He didnt expire, pass away, cease to exist or any of those nicer words people like to say when this happens.  He fucking died.  

I have kept my cool.  I have kept to myself mostly about it, I have opened up to a couple of people and even then, not as much as they think.  I understand how things work.  I have lost other people in my life, very dear people that have left a mark in my life and that I will never forget.  But this is different.  It is so very different when it is one of your parents.  One will never understand until it happens to them.  It really does affect you in a different way.  My dad and I were close.  I guess we couldve been closer, I couldve put in more effort, but such is life.  

Some people would like to think one day we will see him again.  Some people pray and they feel better doing so.  I think I am spiritual but I also believe that the end is just that... the end.  But when it happens to someone who has been there your entire life, who you have known since birth and have grown with, it becomes so very real.  And you want to believe that maybe there is a way to connect with the dead somehow.  But as time goes by, reality sets.  And the reality is, I will never phisically ever see him again.  Ever.  In my dreams, in my thoughts, in videos or pictures, I may even feel his presence sometimes if I think of him enough and listen to his music or watch the shows we used to watch and critique.  Yes, I do believe he will always be a part of me and it does comfort me.  But I will never really see him again.  He stopped growing.  His life stopped and interrupted whatever else he would become in his twilight years.  And I am going to miss that.  Whether it was going to be wonderful or painful, it was still going to be some sort of experience that I was really looking forward to having and sharing with him.  I miss him more than anyone knows.  People for the most part think I am cold and in some things I am.  But my heart is shattered right now.  I know it will mend and I want to stop feeling this way but I understand this is part of my process and I will have to get through it.  Time will help me heal.

Oh I forgot to mention, right when we were planning the ceremony for my dad, mid April, my husband lost his job he had been at for 25 years.  For all his years of service, they gave him a shitty severance that has kept him from receiving unemployment until August.  It pisses me off, but not because of the money.  The emotional baggage that comes with losing a job you put so much of yourself into is tough.  He is resilient and puts on a brave face, but I know it hurt.  He's not a robot, of course it hurt and I feel like I have not been there emotionally 100% for him the way I should because I am over here feeling sorry for myself because I lost a parent.  

I am not the 1st or last to lose a parent.  It is, after all the natural order of things.  He was 71.  Lived a full healthy life, worked until the end.  He was fine, until he wasnt.  I knew the cancer would eventually take him.  I just really wish the stroke hadnt happened.  The last 2 weeks of his life, he could not communicate with us and that really sucked.  To not be able to express your last thoughts.  Such a shitty way to go.  Especially for a man like him.  Who liked to express his opinions and give advice and write lovely letters on special and not so special occasions.  He was even writing a story about his time as a teenager back in the 60s.  He loved writing.  So I am sure knowing the end was coming, he had something to say about it.  I so wanted to read those thoughts.

This is probably the reason I came back here.  So I can express my thoughts on here again.  Make sure theres a permanent footprint of me left behind somewhere.  My dad inspired me to keep writing even if it is just blogs about my life or thoughts.  Maybe someone will one day come across it.  It is a public blog after all.  So he couldnt express his last thoughts and that tortures me, but writing has always helped me heal.  I will make myself think that this is his way of telling me to come back here and heal my broken soul.  Because that was one of the last conversations we had.  He told me he didnt want me to worry or be sad.  So I will do this to honor that.  

As I write this last paragraph, I am listening to Buffalo by RCPM and although the lyrics have nothing to do with what I am feeling, I embrace the way the melody makes me feel.  But I digress....I want you, the reader, to know I am ok and I will be ok.  If you are going through something traumatic, it will pass.  Just like everything else.  One day we stop breathing and our heart stops beating and that will be that.  But life keeps on going for those of us left behind and although this wont be my only sad story to tell, I know there will be good stories as well.  I will make the effort to share those as well.  Life is beautiful.  Enjoy it.