In my thoughts today...

My dad. He always enjoyed a good ice cream. He loved floats too. And swimming. And fun outdoorsy things like going to water parks and getting on all the rides. Everything he did in his life, he enjoyed. Even work. Up until the very end, he had goals and plans. He is an inspiration to live life to the fullest and never stop trying new things, or just trying at anything you do. He was a very hard worker but when it came time to enjoy, man did he.

Papi, You always worried about leaving a legacy of righteousness, I told you that if anyone ever taught me to be fair in life, it was you. And if anyone taught me to enjoy even the smallest things in life, it was you. So although I will always miss you, I will also enjoy everything life has to offer me because that's what you did and that's how it should be. And I hope if there is an afterlife, you're enjoying the most delicious ice creams and floats Thank you so much for everything.

Why does January seem to go slow?

It happened last year too.  Felt like the longest month.  I keep thinking we are mid January and we are barely 1 week and 2 days in.  

It's been busy at work.  I may need to stay late a couple of times.  Income tax season is upon us and I want it all.  I do not want to lose any deal.  I need to make extra money, I dont want to change my life style.  So I have to put in the work to be able to enjoy my life the way I am used to.

Oh yeah, today is my mom's birthday.  It is her 1st birthday without my dad.  I know it must be tough on her but it seems like she makes it tougher on herself and those that surround her.  I still remember like it was yesterday, but it was a year ago that my dad was supposed to take her out to dinner to celebrate and he had too much work and was running late, drama ensued and they didnt go anywhere.  I let my dad have it and had "the talk" with him.  I dont think we have ever been that honest with each other about her.  In hindsight, I see the scenario a lot different than what I saw then.  She probably threw an unecessary tantrum and he was already fed up with her abuse.  So they stayed home.  We eventually did take her out when we all tested negative (we were all positive for covid that week).

I still dream of him.  I actually had a dream about my dad this morning.  I cant remember everything but I have been dreaming of him a lot lately.  It's almost like normal to see him in my dreams.  

I also saw Rory in that same dream.  We were chartering a boat to go sail somewhere.  And I was nervous about it, like I couldnt believe that we were doing that.  But I saw him.  He was asleep by my feet.  I touched him and he moved a little without waking up.  And it made me smile.  I was happy to see him.

Life is different without my dad.  I dont care too much about my mother being a nag because I dont visit often.  Like it really doesnt matter to me.  I think I only felt a twinge of guilt because my dad would be the one to ask me to be there more.  Like both would say it, but I really only cared about his feelings.  Don't get me wrong, I dont hate my mother.  I just dont have anything in common with her.  She's manipulative, narcissist and hysterical.  Some years ago I allowed myself to be happy wtithout feeling guilt and little by little I became better at it.  Now I just dont let it bother me.  

My mother used to be whole.  She used to be someone I looked up to.  But something happened to her during her midlife crisis or menopause that she couldnt control and then took over her.  No amount of therapy has been able to help her because she refuses the help thinking shes right and everyone else sucks.  My dad was in that list.  So I dont really understand why now all of a sudden she cant live without him.  Maybe she was just used to torturing him.  Maybe that's what she misses.

I have fond memories of her as a child.  She was loving and caring but stern in her ways; hard working and independent but also domestic and proud of the family she was raising.  She taught me to be independent and domestic at the same time.  Although, I took the more independent route.  

I do miss that woman.  And I know we all change with time, but because we learn things and hopefully become better versions of ourselves.  With her it was the other way around.  And it angers me and it breaks my heart sometimes.  And it is the reason I cant spend too much time with her.  Because she's a stranger to me.  I wish it wasnt so, but it is.

This is where I have to stop and start to get ready to leave.  Traffic awaits and I still need to pick up dinner.

Until the next time reader.

Post Thanksgiving blog

Well Thanksgiving came and went and I am happy to say that it was a great success!  

There was plenty of food, plenty of drink, plenty of laughs and singing and rock band.  I was both happy to see everyone and exhausted for all the work and love we put into the event. Not to mention the fact that I had been preparing all week for an event at work for Black Friday (which was also a success!).

I was afraid at some point it would turn into drama because some of us are no longer around, but that didnt happen.  At least not that I know.  I did get tiny moments where I would think of my dad and how I was always trying to impress him with the wine I bought or the drink I made for him, and at some point we would have small talk about politics, but it would be soon broken up by my mother and we would continue with something else that was just ours and nobody else cared about.  We were like that sometimes.  And then I'd think of my Rory and how he'd be enjoying the party and trying to catch anything that fell from the table.  My little kitchen companion.  But those tiny moments were moments of nostalgia that didnt go any further as I would be required to go help out or someone needed me or wanted my attention.  All in all, it was mostly fun with a side of nostalgia.  Which, to me, is how a holiday party should be.  

I already miss everyone but I guess that is why it is so special.  If you had that every weekend, it would not be the same.  It is special because we give ourselves time to miss each other.  And also because as we get older, we start losing more people and it really makes you think about your own mortality, like is this my last one? or so and so is looking a little bit off or feeble and you start to wonder...😬  It's a little morbid, I know, but it is kind of inevitable to push aside.  It is what it is, just odd how these are things that dont even cross your mind when youre 20 or 30.  But I digress... there's still another party coming anyway, we are having one for Xmas but that one will be hosted by my sister thankfully so I can relax and have a good time.  I only have to worry about my drink and possibly a side and I promise you that it will not be the green pasta.  Maybe one day I'll blog about that green pasta and the work it takes to make.  

It is crazy how November is gone already.  This year has been a breeze but also the longest year if that makes sense.  Hell, I remember how just January felt like it had an extra week, man it felt like forever.  It was too much.  Like the first half of the year was slow and then the second just flew.  As soon as summer started it just went by so quick.

Well, that's it for today.  Need to get back to work and make some coin.  Bills aint gonna pay themselves.  

Have a good weekend reader!

Happy birthday dad

Today you would have been 72 years old.  All this week I would have been planning your dinner or get together, it was weird not to do so.  I am so glad we threw a nice shindig last year for you.  I had no idea it would be your last but such is life, such is death.  It still feels like it wasnt that long ago.  I miss you dad.  I am sure I always will.  I know you live in me and I feel your presence sometimes when I say certain things or when I know exactly what you would say on certain ocassions and I smile when that happens.  You would never want us to be sad and I know you would love to be remembered with a smile.  So I will do just that.  Happy birthday Papi!  I love you.

PS.  There is a solar eclipse today.  You would have been all into that and would probably be writing about it for your radio talk show.  :)