August

During a time when depression was still prevalent in the house.  Not to say it doesn't still linger, but we had just lost our Clara a few weeks before.  I decided (with the ok of X) it was time to do something I had been wanting to do and also in honor of both Clara and Rory.  I also thought it would mend our souls at least a bit with everything we had been through in the past 15 months.  So we started volunteering as foster parents for a dog rescue.  As soon as I got the ok from the rescue, we dove right in.  

It was Sunday August 25th.  Ash contacts me and tells me this girl needs our help.  She is going to get euthanized the very next day.  I said, she looks a little too big than we can handle but screw it, let's hit the ground running.  This was her.  I think they called her Tuxie in the slammer.  I was definitely nervous.

Monday, August 26th, 2024.  They bring her out.  We immediately get kisses.  She was loving from day 1.  Who were you before us?  Who had you and let you go?  What happened to your babies?  We know at least one got adopted through the shelter.  

A few baths, brushes, days of trying to acclimate herself with the rest of the pack, she just fit right in.  Finally opened up herself to us.  Too many stories to share in one blog.  It was 4 months of love and falling in love.  She restored our hearts.  Made us see that like her, more need saving.  That any dog is worth to give the opportunity to live.  She mended our hearts as we mended hers. We know she lost all her babies.  But we dont have any history about her past, her old owners (if she had any), her old home, her old pack and all her babies, recent or older, if any.  We know, she was captured with one of her pups and he got adopted out.  That she was left alone and heartbroken.  We were exactly what we all needed at the time.

She now belongs to her real family, we were just a temporary stop to prepare her for her true happiness.  A family that has gone through some heartbreak from what I was told.  She is taking all we taught her and shared with her and passing it along.  She will save them too.

I hope you dream about me every now and then, I know I will.  Or when you suddenly hear a Taylor Swift song, it will take you back to our Eras nights while I held you and you were falling asleep, Id sing some of her folksy songs to you.  Even if it is just a split second we can relive our moments and smile. 

August now marks the month that changed my life for the better.  What began as a tribute to my pets that have passed on, is now a commitement to continue my efforts to save as many souls as I can.

And now it is December, almost Christmas.  4 months went by so quick but they are filled with memories.  People say you never forget your first.  But that is not why I will remember you.  It wasnt because you were my first official foster.  I will remember you because it was you.  My sweet Ruby.

"August slipped away into a moment in time, cause it was never mine".- TS

Clara 5/20/2013-7/20/2024

My warm goldita.  Mi mamas goldas.  I am going to miss you so much.  The fact that your usual scent was of warm milk and oatmeal, oh man I am going to miss that smell so much.  And your warm kisses whenever you felt like showing affection.  Your breathing on my leg when you wanted a snack from the table.  There are so many anecdotes and memories to fit into just this one blog.  

Like that time you got your head stuck in a bag of charcoal, or when you always tried to take my towel off my head after I showered.  You would be on top of the bed waiting for me to exit the bathroom and your tail would start going crazy.  I'm going to miss that sound.  The way you would bark incessantly at any worker that went to the house.  You even went on a little adventure with Duncan and went missing for a few hours a few years ago in July.  You wanted to go live with the cows.  So many memories.

You meant a lot to me.  We did everything to give you a dignified life although we knew it was just a matter of time.  The extra time you gave us was beautiful, with some ups and some downs but more ups than downs; and I believe we did good by you in these last 9 months when it came to quality of life after we found out you had cancer.  You showed us you were happy, you were so loving, energetic and passionate about taking on the role of alpha after Rory left us.  I have no regrets.  If I knew 9 months ago that that day would be the last day, I would not change a thing.  Every sacrifice, every dollar spent, every hour spent with you was worth it and I am sure in your own way you enjoyed the time you had left with the people that you loved and that includes Duncan and Amelia.  I think they are still in shock.  They seem a little lost without you.  We all do.  

We are all born to die, it is what we do in between that matters.  I will remember the good times you gave us and I will smile when I think about you.  RIP my sweet goldita.  I will never forget you and will miss you forever.

Birthday post

Today is my birthday.  It's barely 1 pm and I already got sang to, got flowers, bday cake, congratulations on social media, texts and phone calls.

I am very blessed to have so many loving people in my life.  

Turns out even my son is coming over to celebrate me today.  

I am just feeling very loved today and I wanted to blog about it so if I am ever in doubt that I matter, even if a little bit to some people, I will come back to this blog and remind myself that I am being too hard on myself as always. 

52 years old.  I dont feel it.  I have lived my life the way I have wanted to and really time does fly when you're having fun.  Where did all the years go?  This is crazy, I was still in my 30's when we first bought the house and that wasnt so long ago.  

I do feel like I am transitioning to a new era.  I feel a lot more secure about myself.  I feel like I am still growing of course, but just a bit more fearless.  I have come to learn over the years that nothing is as bad as it seems and things can always be better.  Even when things are great, you can keep striving to be even better.  

I do miss my dad.  He was already gone last birthday but it had been too recent so I was still going through grief so I didnt really feel it then, but I felt it now.  He was always one of the first ones to call me.  I had my moment where I teared up over it.  But I moved on.  I have plenty to enjoy and be thankful for.

To anyone reading, I hope you have as much as a lovely day as I am having right now.  Sending virtual hugs. 

Until next time.

Rainy days and Mondays...

 I wish I was home today.  I love rainy days but I love them more from home.  Something about gloomy cool days, comfy clothes, warm socks and a couch with the curtains and blinds open.  

We have a San Antonio trip coming up this Wednesday/Thursday for Clara's treatment.  This will be the same kind of weather and quote frankly I can't wait.  I'm hoping we can enjoy Wednesday night before it rains and go get some dinner at the river.  

The weather is perfect for an early dinner outside.  And then cuddles in our hotel room while we watch a movie.  These trips can be a pain in the ass for sure, but they are necessary for my Clara.  And although these are literally cancer treatments and there may be sad times ahead, it is all a matter of perception when we take these trips.  So I try to make it a special event, rather than a boring visit.  I think it works.  I think X also enjoys our time alone and the time we give her when we take these trips.

I will especially enjoy a cool and rainy day.

This is today at home 

2023

 And here I thought 2020 was the most barbaric year in my lifetime.  And it was, no doubt, 2020 was certainly an experience and an eye opener.  This year though, this year the heartbreak was personal.  I know life is a series of anecdotes and coincidences, but man this year felt like a direct attack.  And I won't list the series of unfortunate events, some have already been disclosed on this blog.  So instead, as a big FU to this year (if that's even a thing), I'd rather not mention negative things; instead, I'd like to focus on the opportunities and cool things I lived thru in 2023.

I remember in January, we all got Covid, except for X.  The reason it is a good memory is because 1. it was tame and 2. it forced us all to be confined to the house until we got better.  After we were all starting to feel better, all we did was game all day.  I still worked but in between, I'd game with the boys.  Just hung out for days.  

Then a couple of weeks later, we checked out Michael Rappaport in SA.  That was cool.  X and I had an amazing time.  Went to a blues bar, hung out with some pals from SA.  

In February, we celebrated 7 years of marriage (although we have been together way more than that).  Took a little weekend trip to SA and had an amazing time.  Listened to jazz by the riverwalk, went to a drag bar for brunch (that was fun af), had dinner at this amazing place called Signature on La Cantera, it was a nice long weekend and it was really special and relaxing.

After my dad's diagnosis and stroke when he was flown to SA, I was distraught.  It was one of the worse feelings in the world.  But it also reminded me of the good people that exist in the world.  My best friend Gaby rushed to be by my side.  My son Rob took a week off from work so he could spend some time with the family and grandfather.  I got to see the helpers of the world, caring nurses and doctors, everyone putting the best effort to make sure my dad was getting the best help and the compassion they showed us.  They made a horrible situation less horrible.  I will never forget that. 

After his death during spring and after what my sister had gone through, I decided it was time to get a checkup and be more consistent on that and take better care of myself.  I began a new diet around May.  Nothing crazy, just calorie counting and less carbs.  I was able to shave off 14 lbs.  I felt better and looked better that even at work it was noticed.  (granted I have gained some holiday weight but I went back to healthy eating since yesterday, I did it before, I can do it again I suppose).

Although X lost his job and it was a very traumatic event for both of us, I think he needed a bit of a reset.  Maybe he still doesnt see it, but that job never appreciated him and dumped most of the work on him.  Plus it was very beneficial to our sick dog Rory.  He adored that dog and he would have felt terrible if he would not have had the time he gave him because of that job.  The way things happened was just right, for him and for Rory.  He will find something I have no doubt.  We are ok financially.

There were a few trips and events to mention.  My dad's memorial was amazing and so many people showed up.  Funerals are so sad and morose, that's what they are meant to be.  We wanted our dad to have a better send off.  He would have loved it.  We had some trips to Austin.  Once in summer and then again in the begining of fall.  Celebrated Gaby's bday in the summer and in the fall we stopped by on my way to the Ft Worth Show I go to every year for work.  We saw Depache Mode in concert.  Loved that.  We also saw Caifanes which I had not seen in decades.  Towards the end of the year we finally went to the RenFair near Houston.  Had a lot of fun.  We finally saw my son's new house in CS.  Very nice design.

We hosted Thanksgiving luncheon and party.  That was very well thought out and succesful.  Most of the work was X's.  I helped but only a bit.  Everyone had a very good time and there was no drama which was the point of it.

The last 2 months of the year were so busy for me, personally and professionaly.  Although I ended up exhausted, the work that I had to put into having better months professionaly for example, paid off.  I dont think I have ever had such a great November and December like this before.  Also, the fact that I have kept myself busy, allows me to put all the bad stuff out of my mind.  Although, admittingly, sometimes during downtime, it all comes crashing down and then I lose myself emotionally.  As people have pointed out, I have to go through it regardless if it is now or later, it is just natural to happen for my own mental stability.  Our brains require the closure to be able to move on, and if you put it off, it still comes at you.  But I still have to do it my way, I dont know any other way to do it.

Another good note to point out, although Clara is very sick and has an incurable disease, she seems to be responding well to her treatment.  My only hope is that it can extend her life until she reaches her full life cycle which can be an extra 4 to 5 years on bassets.  We will try our best to keep her with us as much as we can.  As long as shes comfortable and happy which she seems to be so far.

Although the number changes, the way I look and feel wont change at midnight, that will take time.  I am ok with that.  Not looking to rush anything in my physical appearance or my emotional journey to heal from all the traumatic events that took place this year.  I know they wont be the last either.  Just need to take it all in and slowly go through it.  And just enjoy life no matter what happens.  I want to learn to enjoy life more.  Even the things that seem insignificant.  And take more pictures.  I need to document more.  

My goals for 2024 is that.  Take things slower, stop rushing all the time.  Learn to enjoy life more.  Document more as my memory is not that great and also because, as I said before, I would like to leave some sort of footprint of my life, or some aspect of it.  Be more organized at home and work.  Finally upgrade my closet. And definitely go back to my health kick.  

To those 5 readers that follow me and anyone else that may find this, have a very safe and happy new year!  See you next year!

Post Thanksgiving blog

Well Thanksgiving came and went and I am happy to say that it was a great success!  

There was plenty of food, plenty of drink, plenty of laughs and singing and rock band.  I was both happy to see everyone and exhausted for all the work and love we put into the event. Not to mention the fact that I had been preparing all week for an event at work for Black Friday (which was also a success!).

I was afraid at some point it would turn into drama because some of us are no longer around, but that didnt happen.  At least not that I know.  I did get tiny moments where I would think of my dad and how I was always trying to impress him with the wine I bought or the drink I made for him, and at some point we would have small talk about politics, but it would be soon broken up by my mother and we would continue with something else that was just ours and nobody else cared about.  We were like that sometimes.  And then I'd think of my Rory and how he'd be enjoying the party and trying to catch anything that fell from the table.  My little kitchen companion.  But those tiny moments were moments of nostalgia that didnt go any further as I would be required to go help out or someone needed me or wanted my attention.  All in all, it was mostly fun with a side of nostalgia.  Which, to me, is how a holiday party should be.  

I already miss everyone but I guess that is why it is so special.  If you had that every weekend, it would not be the same.  It is special because we give ourselves time to miss each other.  And also because as we get older, we start losing more people and it really makes you think about your own mortality, like is this my last one? or so and so is looking a little bit off or feeble and you start to wonder...😬  It's a little morbid, I know, but it is kind of inevitable to push aside.  It is what it is, just odd how these are things that dont even cross your mind when youre 20 or 30.  But I digress... there's still another party coming anyway, we are having one for Xmas but that one will be hosted by my sister thankfully so I can relax and have a good time.  I only have to worry about my drink and possibly a side and I promise you that it will not be the green pasta.  Maybe one day I'll blog about that green pasta and the work it takes to make.  

It is crazy how November is gone already.  This year has been a breeze but also the longest year if that makes sense.  Hell, I remember how just January felt like it had an extra week, man it felt like forever.  It was too much.  Like the first half of the year was slow and then the second just flew.  As soon as summer started it just went by so quick.

Well, that's it for today.  Need to get back to work and make some coin.  Bills aint gonna pay themselves.  

Have a good weekend reader!

Clara appreciation post

Clara is always happy to be home after a long trip.  Especially when she spent it at the hospital.  Love my baby girl.

throwaway post...

Its mostly been a shit year to say the least but im not going to let it bring me down.  The universe can keep flinging shit at me, ill take it standing up and keep going upwards.  I have a choice to let it fuck me, or I can just keep going.  I choose to keep living and enjoy the things I still have.  It is apparent we dont last long here anyway.  No use wasting time feeling sorry for myself.  

I am me.  Shit can shape me, but even at my saddest and angriest, I have learned to look for the good sides instead of just becoming bitter.  

Life can be a series of caca, but it can also be amazing.  And the good things are out there as much as the bad ones.  So I choose to keep pursuing and enjoying the good things.  One day it will be my turn to go.  I hope I get to do it with a smile.  I sure as hell will try.

Rory

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our most loyal friend.  Our baby.  Our pedatito.  Rory.  

What can I say about one of our oldest companions?  How do you fit in 11 1/2 years of love, companionship, anecdotes, trips, licks, hugs, stretches, pictures, amazing times in just one blog.  It wouldnt fit in just one blog.  There is just no way.

Right now I dont have the words.  I know one day I will be inspired to write something more beautiful about my Rory, honoring him the way he should be honored.  But not today.  Today it is just dark.

All I can say today is that there is a hole in my heart.  I feel like I got punched in the stomach and all the air is out and I can hardly breathe.  

I am trying to cope by using logic, but it isnt working.  That hole is still there.  I know in time I will heal and I will be ok.  I have to be.  But right now I feel empty.  

I already miss my little baby boy.  Although he had been sick for a while and he wasn't the same Rory as before, I was ready to take care of my little old man.  But they gave us bad news at the vet's office.  And the damage done to his liver was irreversible.  He was skin and bones and had not eaten a full meal in days.  It was just a matter of time and it was coming in quick.  So we did the selfless thing to do, at the expense of our hearts, but it was the right thing to do for him.  

I will come back here and share some stories of him, of happier days.  But I had to mark this very meaningful occasion and just say, as much as it pains me, that he is no longer in this world.

My beautiful pedatito.  I will always remember you as the fighter that you were.  With all the medical issues you had, it never showed, at least not until the very end.  11 wonderful years.  Thank you my baby.  

Happy birthday dad

Today you would have been 72 years old.  All this week I would have been planning your dinner or get together, it was weird not to do so.  I am so glad we threw a nice shindig last year for you.  I had no idea it would be your last but such is life, such is death.  It still feels like it wasnt that long ago.  I miss you dad.  I am sure I always will.  I know you live in me and I feel your presence sometimes when I say certain things or when I know exactly what you would say on certain ocassions and I smile when that happens.  You would never want us to be sad and I know you would love to be remembered with a smile.  So I will do just that.  Happy birthday Papi!  I love you.

PS.  There is a solar eclipse today.  You would have been all into that and would probably be writing about it for your radio talk show.  :)

 

Foot massage

I went home for lunch, not really to eat.  I usually dont eat when I go home, but I used to go to let the dogs out since they were alone most of the day.  But since now X is there, I dont really have to worry about it at all.  I go just to hang out with my crew.  It's good to leave the office and spend time with your loved ones if possible and my office is close by.  

So I get to the house and do the usual things, say hi to X, the pups, check my phone, snack on a thing or 2, chat for a bit, etc.  I was getting ready to put on my shoes to leave and X decides to give me a foot massage.  My gosh, that man really knows how to use his hands.  He puts the right amount of pressure, his hands are strong but soft.  It just feels so good.  It is crazy how he has made my inhibitions drop so much.  I remember there was a time when I wouldnt let anyone touch my feet.  I still dont like people looking at them.  Still he made me comfortable enough to allow him to do it.  And now I even let the pedicure people massage them.  So much pressure goes to the legs and feet all day.  I think everyone should get one every other week.  Or at least once a month.  For the most part, people that do that for a living are good at it, but nobody does it better than X.  

And now the day has gotten a lot better.  It had started off a little sideways and I was in a grouchy mood because of it.  As the day progressed it got a little less annoying.  But now with this, any lingering annoyance has vaporized and I can't even remember why I was cranky to begin with.  That is how good his hands are.  I count my blessings with this man.  Idk.  I thought I'd share this.  He makes me happy.