WWDITS - Season 5

Damn that was a good season and they really brought it in the last 2 episodes.  So go watch it.

The point of this blog is not so much to talk about the seasons itself or what has happened.  I guess I was very sad once I realized that it was over for a while. It may sound silly but I feel like my friends have gone away.  This show was my comfort zone right now.  I just barely started watching it a few months ago but I really got to binge the whole thing a couple of month ago and it really distracts me from whatever sadness haunts me.  I think it kinda has to do with the fact that this is a show about vampires and in a weird way it comforts me to see some sort of immortality being portrayed even if it's just fiction.  Makes me miss my dad even more, I mean it hasnt been that long and I'm still pretty raw about it.  I just wish he could've lived longer.  It's odd for me to make that connection but it exists in my head.  

So without spoiling it too much, all I can say is Nandor takes the end of the season and makes it his and it very well deserved IMO.  Talk about character development.  I mean shit gets real and it makes you feel things.  It was good.  Very good writing.  

I did read that they are planning a season 6.  So Hollywood please get your shit together and pay these writers what they are worth.  Also the cast and crew while you are at it.  They have certainly earned it.

Hopefully I wont have to wait too long before I see my buddies again.  

Day off after a big storm

My yard is complete garbage today.  

So, hurricane Harold touched ground yesterday in SPI, pretty much the Gulf in South Texas.  That means Laredo got a bit of it.  It rained for about 5 hours straight.  The trash bin was empty from trash but the lid was open, I kid you not it was half way full from rain water.  2 to 3 inches my ass.  My pool got destroyed.  It looks like a chocolate pond out of a Willy Wonka movie.  I've been doing back washes and treating it.  I've cleaned it before when it's like this and it does take a few days, but hopefully the pool ppl come today and help out.  I'm sure about half of the dirt that was in there is gone but there's still a lot.  But there's progress, I can already see the first step.  

So I started this about 4 hours ago and got busy grocery shopping and then putting stuff away.

Update on the pool.  The pool guy was here and told me to never turn on the pump when I'm trying to clean out dirt and debris.  That I need to let it settle to the ground so it can be extracted better, which makes a lot of sense.  The other pool ppl I had told me the opposite!!!  I feel like I have wasted precious time cleaning the pool.  Ugh.  Let's see if it settles enough for tomorrow.

Oh and I feel like crap.  I am feeling fatigued.  I'm wondering if it's allergies or if I caught something.  

Foot massage

I went home for lunch, not really to eat.  I usually dont eat when I go home, but I used to go to let the dogs out since they were alone most of the day.  But since now X is there, I dont really have to worry about it at all.  I go just to hang out with my crew.  It's good to leave the office and spend time with your loved ones if possible and my office is close by.  

So I get to the house and do the usual things, say hi to X, the pups, check my phone, snack on a thing or 2, chat for a bit, etc.  I was getting ready to put on my shoes to leave and X decides to give me a foot massage.  My gosh, that man really knows how to use his hands.  He puts the right amount of pressure, his hands are strong but soft.  It just feels so good.  It is crazy how he has made my inhibitions drop so much.  I remember there was a time when I wouldnt let anyone touch my feet.  I still dont like people looking at them.  Still he made me comfortable enough to allow him to do it.  And now I even let the pedicure people massage them.  So much pressure goes to the legs and feet all day.  I think everyone should get one every other week.  Or at least once a month.  For the most part, people that do that for a living are good at it, but nobody does it better than X.  

And now the day has gotten a lot better.  It had started off a little sideways and I was in a grouchy mood because of it.  As the day progressed it got a little less annoying.  But now with this, any lingering annoyance has vaporized and I can't even remember why I was cranky to begin with.  That is how good his hands are.  I count my blessings with this man.  Idk.  I thought I'd share this.  He makes me happy.  

Studies in modern movement

Studies in modern movement is probably one of the best episodes of #Community

After watching it a few times over the last couple of years, I came to the realization that Jeff wasn't being selfish, he was going through something big and needed to be alone. Remember this episode comes after Pierce's dad dies following an argument with Jeff and this seems to have an effect on him. For example, the girl at the shop was throwing herself at him and he didn't follow through (so not like him). At the end he's crying over the death of a make believe horse. Jeff was going through serious crap. When he has the argument with the dean after the karaoke song, it's because the dean read the email he wrote to his therapist about being alone. They do it as such a throwaway line but it's pretty big. If you haven't noticed it, watch it again. It's deep and shows you how broken some people are and they pretend not to be. One really never knows what someone is going through, so let's try to be kind all the time. Hats off to the writers. 

Random day Aug 1st, 2023

 It's one of those non eventful days today.  We are mid summer.  Work has been busy thankfully.  Having my office in the back is the best thing ever as I dont have to listen to people's children.  I know that sounds mean but I cant help it.  I have little patience with wild children.  There's some very well behaved children but the ones I usually see here are terrible.  It's not their fault.  The parents suck.  Not sure why they even have kids if they are not going to educate them and mind them.

I dont know what else to say.  I feel unmotivated right now.  Like I was on a roll earlier but I feel like all of a sudden I have no direction.  I think it is time to go home.  Still gotta make dinner.  

My afternoons are so short when I get home.  I thought I might go for a swim but I am lazy at this point.  Maybe I will aram.  Maybe not.  we will see.

Bleh.

It's been a while..

I think it has been a good 10 years since I have poured my thoughts into this thing.  

So much has happened since.  The pandemic of 2020 for starters.  I am not going to get into it, but I survived it.  I am a veteran of all strains covid since I have gotten it 3 times that I know of.  The last one was almost non existent, I have gotten worse colds.  

My husband's kids eventually moved in with us.  One of them already moved out.  Life is just moving at an incredible pace.  I blogged before about how we should also enjoy montonous moments but man, they go by so fast.  Hours dont seem to last as long as they used to, even when I am bored.  

I dont have the time or the patience to write what has happened in my life since I last came here.  The reason I came back was because I want to share what I have been through in the last 8 months.  My life and that of my family's has been pure chaos.  It seems like it is starting to settle down a bit, but man, spring of 2023, fuck you.  It has not been the most pleasant.

Around Thanksgiving of 2022, my sister almost died.  She had a hysteroctomy, whether it was because the dr did a shit job or she didnt take care of herself, or both, I am unsure.  But she spent months in and out of the hospital and doctor's visits to be able to recover from it.  Finally when we think everything will be ok, my dad gets sick around february 2023.  They found cancer in his gall bladder (rare cancer), the tumor was removed but it had metastasized to his liver and lungs.  So this was already stage 4.  I really believe there was negligence from his initial doctors.  He started developing liquid on the side of one of his lungs from all the surgeries he had and they still sent him home.  This all started the last week of February by the midle of March he was not getting better enough to start treatment.  Rather than put him in an ambulance or go to a bigger city (which is what I wanted), he remained home.  Just waiting for radiology to be able to have time for him to pump out the liquid.  When they finally had him in the hospital right before his procedure, he gets a stroke and gets flown to San Antonio.  Long story short, 2 weeks later on the early morning of April 4th 2023, he dies.  He didnt expire, pass away, cease to exist or any of those nicer words people like to say when this happens.  He fucking died.  

I have kept my cool.  I have kept to myself mostly about it, I have opened up to a couple of people and even then, not as much as they think.  I understand how things work.  I have lost other people in my life, very dear people that have left a mark in my life and that I will never forget.  But this is different.  It is so very different when it is one of your parents.  One will never understand until it happens to them.  It really does affect you in a different way.  My dad and I were close.  I guess we couldve been closer, I couldve put in more effort, but such is life.  

Some people would like to think one day we will see him again.  Some people pray and they feel better doing so.  I think I am spiritual but I also believe that the end is just that... the end.  But when it happens to someone who has been there your entire life, who you have known since birth and have grown with, it becomes so very real.  And you want to believe that maybe there is a way to connect with the dead somehow.  But as time goes by, reality sets.  And the reality is, I will never phisically ever see him again.  Ever.  In my dreams, in my thoughts, in videos or pictures, I may even feel his presence sometimes if I think of him enough and listen to his music or watch the shows we used to watch and critique.  Yes, I do believe he will always be a part of me and it does comfort me.  But I will never really see him again.  He stopped growing.  His life stopped and interrupted whatever else he would become in his twilight years.  And I am going to miss that.  Whether it was going to be wonderful or painful, it was still going to be some sort of experience that I was really looking forward to having and sharing with him.  I miss him more than anyone knows.  People for the most part think I am cold and in some things I am.  But my heart is shattered right now.  I know it will mend and I want to stop feeling this way but I understand this is part of my process and I will have to get through it.  Time will help me heal.

Oh I forgot to mention, right when we were planning the ceremony for my dad, mid April, my husband lost his job he had been at for 25 years.  For all his years of service, they gave him a shitty severance that has kept him from receiving unemployment until August.  It pisses me off, but not because of the money.  The emotional baggage that comes with losing a job you put so much of yourself into is tough.  He is resilient and puts on a brave face, but I know it hurt.  He's not a robot, of course it hurt and I feel like I have not been there emotionally 100% for him the way I should because I am over here feeling sorry for myself because I lost a parent.  

I am not the 1st or last to lose a parent.  It is, after all the natural order of things.  He was 71.  Lived a full healthy life, worked until the end.  He was fine, until he wasnt.  I knew the cancer would eventually take him.  I just really wish the stroke hadnt happened.  The last 2 weeks of his life, he could not communicate with us and that really sucked.  To not be able to express your last thoughts.  Such a shitty way to go.  Especially for a man like him.  Who liked to express his opinions and give advice and write lovely letters on special and not so special occasions.  He was even writing a story about his time as a teenager back in the 60s.  He loved writing.  So I am sure knowing the end was coming, he had something to say about it.  I so wanted to read those thoughts.

This is probably the reason I came back here.  So I can express my thoughts on here again.  Make sure theres a permanent footprint of me left behind somewhere.  My dad inspired me to keep writing even if it is just blogs about my life or thoughts.  Maybe someone will one day come across it.  It is a public blog after all.  So he couldnt express his last thoughts and that tortures me, but writing has always helped me heal.  I will make myself think that this is his way of telling me to come back here and heal my broken soul.  Because that was one of the last conversations we had.  He told me he didnt want me to worry or be sad.  So I will do this to honor that.  

As I write this last paragraph, I am listening to Buffalo by RCPM and although the lyrics have nothing to do with what I am feeling, I embrace the way the melody makes me feel.  But I digress....I want you, the reader, to know I am ok and I will be ok.  If you are going through something traumatic, it will pass.  Just like everything else.  One day we stop breathing and our heart stops beating and that will be that.  But life keeps on going for those of us left behind and although this wont be my only sad story to tell, I know there will be good stories as well.  I will make the effort to share those as well.  Life is beautiful.  Enjoy it.  

                                       

Random rant of the day- Irresponsibility and "babies"

I will discourage anybody and everybody from having children, unless it's your first one AND you have the means to support it AND you only plan to have ONE.  If you dont have the patience with a dog or a fish, then you bet your ass you won't have the patience with a person.  Because it is not a BABY, it is a complete person.  They grow up.  And they talk (man do they talk) and they run and they want your attention 90% of the time.  So please, do us all a favor, if you can't educate, love, pay attention to and maintain your child properly, don't breed.  You may think you can do it and that you are ready for it, but even the best parents were not ready.  Years go by and moms realize "oh shit this wasnt for me" after 2-5 kids.  You already did it, it was your choice, now be responsible until theyre at least 18.  And believe me, that's not even the end.  There are exceptions where you can have more than 1 and be great but it's very minimal and if you are that exception, congrats to you.  Otherwise, just stick to 1 or none.   Thank you.