In my thoughts today...

My dad. He always enjoyed a good ice cream. He loved floats too. And swimming. And fun outdoorsy things like going to water parks and getting on all the rides. Everything he did in his life, he enjoyed. Even work. Up until the very end, he had goals and plans. He is an inspiration to live life to the fullest and never stop trying new things, or just trying at anything you do. He was a very hard worker but when it came time to enjoy, man did he.

Papi, You always worried about leaving a legacy of righteousness, I told you that if anyone ever taught me to be fair in life, it was you. And if anyone taught me to enjoy even the smallest things in life, it was you. So although I will always miss you, I will also enjoy everything life has to offer me because that's what you did and that's how it should be. And I hope if there is an afterlife, you're enjoying the most delicious ice creams and floats Thank you so much for everything.

Rainy days and Mondays...

 I wish I was home today.  I love rainy days but I love them more from home.  Something about gloomy cool days, comfy clothes, warm socks and a couch with the curtains and blinds open.  

We have a San Antonio trip coming up this Wednesday/Thursday for Clara's treatment.  This will be the same kind of weather and quote frankly I can't wait.  I'm hoping we can enjoy Wednesday night before it rains and go get some dinner at the river.  

The weather is perfect for an early dinner outside.  And then cuddles in our hotel room while we watch a movie.  These trips can be a pain in the ass for sure, but they are necessary for my Clara.  And although these are literally cancer treatments and there may be sad times ahead, it is all a matter of perception when we take these trips.  So I try to make it a special event, rather than a boring visit.  I think it works.  I think X also enjoys our time alone and the time we give her when we take these trips.

I will especially enjoy a cool and rainy day.

This is today at home 

Just... something.

Who could have thought that things would hurt even more as time goes by.  Why do people say that time heals all?  It's more like time allows you to get used to the pain.  Or maybe as we get older, the feeling is more pronounced, like it resonates more.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with dearly departed family or friends.  Maybe it has to do with growing older, body changes, hormones, i dont know.  All I can say is that I am very very sad.  I am really good at shaking it off and building my walls until it goes away.  This time, this past 2 weeks, it just kept growing and this past weekend I actually had to take a normalizer because it was unbearable to even breathe.  Is this what clinical depression feels like?  I dont want to be on pills, I like knowing that I am in control but this was scary.  After the pill I took I was able to finally breathe easy and relax.  I took a nap and then was able to have a good night sleep.  I feel a lot better today.  I am hoping this was just a random episode.  I dont have time for this.  I need a mental break and so I am taking a couple of days off to relax and allow myself to enjoy a different ambiance.  Maybe that is all I need.  Regardless, I am looking forward to this.  Being near X always makes me feel better too.  I think I may blog about this trip here.  I feel like I only come and pour sadness and despair and that is not the only thing I have in my life.  

Ill do my best to share pics and experiences from this coming weekend.

My bathroom companion

I felt his presence this morning while I was in the shower and it triggered a lot of memories of him barging in uninvited like he owned the place.  He'd look at me while I showered or wait for me until I was done using the toilet.  And it always tickled me.  Like why are you here you weirdo?

When he would use his nose to open the bath door or later on the curtains, he would lick the water from the sides of the tub.  Then I would take water in my hand and let it trickle down my fingers and into his little snout so he could enjoy some water on his face and he would also drink it.  I wish I'd taken video of it somehow but I was in the shower when it happened so never really occurred to me to do so.  But I remember and now I'll never forget it.  Only River and Rory did that.  I miss that so much.

I've been dreaming of Rory more often nowadays.  It makes me smile.  I know I'll never see him again IRL but I can always look forward to dreams.  I'll see you there my luv.

Why does January seem to go slow?

It happened last year too.  Felt like the longest month.  I keep thinking we are mid January and we are barely 1 week and 2 days in.  

It's been busy at work.  I may need to stay late a couple of times.  Income tax season is upon us and I want it all.  I do not want to lose any deal.  I need to make extra money, I dont want to change my life style.  So I have to put in the work to be able to enjoy my life the way I am used to.

Oh yeah, today is my mom's birthday.  It is her 1st birthday without my dad.  I know it must be tough on her but it seems like she makes it tougher on herself and those that surround her.  I still remember like it was yesterday, but it was a year ago that my dad was supposed to take her out to dinner to celebrate and he had too much work and was running late, drama ensued and they didnt go anywhere.  I let my dad have it and had "the talk" with him.  I dont think we have ever been that honest with each other about her.  In hindsight, I see the scenario a lot different than what I saw then.  She probably threw an unecessary tantrum and he was already fed up with her abuse.  So they stayed home.  We eventually did take her out when we all tested negative (we were all positive for covid that week).

I still dream of him.  I actually had a dream about my dad this morning.  I cant remember everything but I have been dreaming of him a lot lately.  It's almost like normal to see him in my dreams.  

I also saw Rory in that same dream.  We were chartering a boat to go sail somewhere.  And I was nervous about it, like I couldnt believe that we were doing that.  But I saw him.  He was asleep by my feet.  I touched him and he moved a little without waking up.  And it made me smile.  I was happy to see him.

Life is different without my dad.  I dont care too much about my mother being a nag because I dont visit often.  Like it really doesnt matter to me.  I think I only felt a twinge of guilt because my dad would be the one to ask me to be there more.  Like both would say it, but I really only cared about his feelings.  Don't get me wrong, I dont hate my mother.  I just dont have anything in common with her.  She's manipulative, narcissist and hysterical.  Some years ago I allowed myself to be happy wtithout feeling guilt and little by little I became better at it.  Now I just dont let it bother me.  

My mother used to be whole.  She used to be someone I looked up to.  But something happened to her during her midlife crisis or menopause that she couldnt control and then took over her.  No amount of therapy has been able to help her because she refuses the help thinking shes right and everyone else sucks.  My dad was in that list.  So I dont really understand why now all of a sudden she cant live without him.  Maybe she was just used to torturing him.  Maybe that's what she misses.

I have fond memories of her as a child.  She was loving and caring but stern in her ways; hard working and independent but also domestic and proud of the family she was raising.  She taught me to be independent and domestic at the same time.  Although, I took the more independent route.  

I do miss that woman.  And I know we all change with time, but because we learn things and hopefully become better versions of ourselves.  With her it was the other way around.  And it angers me and it breaks my heart sometimes.  And it is the reason I cant spend too much time with her.  Because she's a stranger to me.  I wish it wasnt so, but it is.

This is where I have to stop and start to get ready to leave.  Traffic awaits and I still need to pick up dinner.

Until the next time reader.

2023

 And here I thought 2020 was the most barbaric year in my lifetime.  And it was, no doubt, 2020 was certainly an experience and an eye opener.  This year though, this year the heartbreak was personal.  I know life is a series of anecdotes and coincidences, but man this year felt like a direct attack.  And I won't list the series of unfortunate events, some have already been disclosed on this blog.  So instead, as a big FU to this year (if that's even a thing), I'd rather not mention negative things; instead, I'd like to focus on the opportunities and cool things I lived thru in 2023.

I remember in January, we all got Covid, except for X.  The reason it is a good memory is because 1. it was tame and 2. it forced us all to be confined to the house until we got better.  After we were all starting to feel better, all we did was game all day.  I still worked but in between, I'd game with the boys.  Just hung out for days.  

Then a couple of weeks later, we checked out Michael Rappaport in SA.  That was cool.  X and I had an amazing time.  Went to a blues bar, hung out with some pals from SA.  

In February, we celebrated 7 years of marriage (although we have been together way more than that).  Took a little weekend trip to SA and had an amazing time.  Listened to jazz by the riverwalk, went to a drag bar for brunch (that was fun af), had dinner at this amazing place called Signature on La Cantera, it was a nice long weekend and it was really special and relaxing.

After my dad's diagnosis and stroke when he was flown to SA, I was distraught.  It was one of the worse feelings in the world.  But it also reminded me of the good people that exist in the world.  My best friend Gaby rushed to be by my side.  My son Rob took a week off from work so he could spend some time with the family and grandfather.  I got to see the helpers of the world, caring nurses and doctors, everyone putting the best effort to make sure my dad was getting the best help and the compassion they showed us.  They made a horrible situation less horrible.  I will never forget that. 

After his death during spring and after what my sister had gone through, I decided it was time to get a checkup and be more consistent on that and take better care of myself.  I began a new diet around May.  Nothing crazy, just calorie counting and less carbs.  I was able to shave off 14 lbs.  I felt better and looked better that even at work it was noticed.  (granted I have gained some holiday weight but I went back to healthy eating since yesterday, I did it before, I can do it again I suppose).

Although X lost his job and it was a very traumatic event for both of us, I think he needed a bit of a reset.  Maybe he still doesnt see it, but that job never appreciated him and dumped most of the work on him.  Plus it was very beneficial to our sick dog Rory.  He adored that dog and he would have felt terrible if he would not have had the time he gave him because of that job.  The way things happened was just right, for him and for Rory.  He will find something I have no doubt.  We are ok financially.

There were a few trips and events to mention.  My dad's memorial was amazing and so many people showed up.  Funerals are so sad and morose, that's what they are meant to be.  We wanted our dad to have a better send off.  He would have loved it.  We had some trips to Austin.  Once in summer and then again in the begining of fall.  Celebrated Gaby's bday in the summer and in the fall we stopped by on my way to the Ft Worth Show I go to every year for work.  We saw Depache Mode in concert.  Loved that.  We also saw Caifanes which I had not seen in decades.  Towards the end of the year we finally went to the RenFair near Houston.  Had a lot of fun.  We finally saw my son's new house in CS.  Very nice design.

We hosted Thanksgiving luncheon and party.  That was very well thought out and succesful.  Most of the work was X's.  I helped but only a bit.  Everyone had a very good time and there was no drama which was the point of it.

The last 2 months of the year were so busy for me, personally and professionaly.  Although I ended up exhausted, the work that I had to put into having better months professionaly for example, paid off.  I dont think I have ever had such a great November and December like this before.  Also, the fact that I have kept myself busy, allows me to put all the bad stuff out of my mind.  Although, admittingly, sometimes during downtime, it all comes crashing down and then I lose myself emotionally.  As people have pointed out, I have to go through it regardless if it is now or later, it is just natural to happen for my own mental stability.  Our brains require the closure to be able to move on, and if you put it off, it still comes at you.  But I still have to do it my way, I dont know any other way to do it.

Another good note to point out, although Clara is very sick and has an incurable disease, she seems to be responding well to her treatment.  My only hope is that it can extend her life until she reaches her full life cycle which can be an extra 4 to 5 years on bassets.  We will try our best to keep her with us as much as we can.  As long as shes comfortable and happy which she seems to be so far.

Although the number changes, the way I look and feel wont change at midnight, that will take time.  I am ok with that.  Not looking to rush anything in my physical appearance or my emotional journey to heal from all the traumatic events that took place this year.  I know they wont be the last either.  Just need to take it all in and slowly go through it.  And just enjoy life no matter what happens.  I want to learn to enjoy life more.  Even the things that seem insignificant.  And take more pictures.  I need to document more.  

My goals for 2024 is that.  Take things slower, stop rushing all the time.  Learn to enjoy life more.  Document more as my memory is not that great and also because, as I said before, I would like to leave some sort of footprint of my life, or some aspect of it.  Be more organized at home and work.  Finally upgrade my closet. And definitely go back to my health kick.  

To those 5 readers that follow me and anyone else that may find this, have a very safe and happy new year!  See you next year!

Post Thanksgiving blog

Well Thanksgiving came and went and I am happy to say that it was a great success!  

There was plenty of food, plenty of drink, plenty of laughs and singing and rock band.  I was both happy to see everyone and exhausted for all the work and love we put into the event. Not to mention the fact that I had been preparing all week for an event at work for Black Friday (which was also a success!).

I was afraid at some point it would turn into drama because some of us are no longer around, but that didnt happen.  At least not that I know.  I did get tiny moments where I would think of my dad and how I was always trying to impress him with the wine I bought or the drink I made for him, and at some point we would have small talk about politics, but it would be soon broken up by my mother and we would continue with something else that was just ours and nobody else cared about.  We were like that sometimes.  And then I'd think of my Rory and how he'd be enjoying the party and trying to catch anything that fell from the table.  My little kitchen companion.  But those tiny moments were moments of nostalgia that didnt go any further as I would be required to go help out or someone needed me or wanted my attention.  All in all, it was mostly fun with a side of nostalgia.  Which, to me, is how a holiday party should be.  

I already miss everyone but I guess that is why it is so special.  If you had that every weekend, it would not be the same.  It is special because we give ourselves time to miss each other.  And also because as we get older, we start losing more people and it really makes you think about your own mortality, like is this my last one? or so and so is looking a little bit off or feeble and you start to wonder...😬  It's a little morbid, I know, but it is kind of inevitable to push aside.  It is what it is, just odd how these are things that dont even cross your mind when youre 20 or 30.  But I digress... there's still another party coming anyway, we are having one for Xmas but that one will be hosted by my sister thankfully so I can relax and have a good time.  I only have to worry about my drink and possibly a side and I promise you that it will not be the green pasta.  Maybe one day I'll blog about that green pasta and the work it takes to make.  

It is crazy how November is gone already.  This year has been a breeze but also the longest year if that makes sense.  Hell, I remember how just January felt like it had an extra week, man it felt like forever.  It was too much.  Like the first half of the year was slow and then the second just flew.  As soon as summer started it just went by so quick.

Well, that's it for today.  Need to get back to work and make some coin.  Bills aint gonna pay themselves.  

Have a good weekend reader!