Nostalgia of a time I didnt really live...

Has this happened to anyone else?

I was listening to Stone in Love by Journey.  And I was paying attention to the lyrics.  There's something very nostalgic and pure about them.  I read up on them and found out that Steve Perry wrote those lyrics based on his youth and a specific experience he had.  What a time right?  I wasn't there but I really felt it in his music and vocal melody.  It transports you, even if you werent even there.... But I wish I was.  That's what a good song does.

It does take me back to a time where everything looked like being looked at from a sepia picture.  I was there for that myself, there's pictures to prove it.  I was a child, not even a teen.  By the time I was a teen, those brownish orange and beige moments were over.  But I remember and I keep them fondly.  Such innocence will never be back.  Where is Morpheus with that blue pill?  I know it doesnt work that way, but you get my drift.

I have been listening to yacht rock lately.  Then my sister invites me to an Air Supply concert a couple of weeks ago.  I was like ok whatever but then it all came back.  I had forgotten how many hits they had.  Really cool vibe.

Anyway, thought Id share my random thought of the day before I pack up and head home. 

It's been 3 years.... what have you missed?

Vivi graduated highschool.  

Christian is now Nora.  

Mina left and then came back to live with us.

 Rory died then Clara soon after.  

Trump is president again.  

X lost his job soon after you left.  Couldnt find anything for a couple of years.  An opportunity opened where I work and now he does our marketing.  

Ana now sells insurance and is quite succesful at it.  You would be proud.

Mother hasnt really changed.  She at least has several groups of friends she hangs with.  She misses you.  We all do.  Very much. 

This town is still the same.  Nothing changes around here.  It is still the same boring ass town.

We started fostering dogs right after Clara left us.  We adopted 2 dogs out of there, Augie and Johnny.

We still have Amelia and Duncan.

I lost some weight and I think I have been pretty good at keeping it at a healthy level.  X lost a ton of weight.  

My service guy got deported a few weeks ago. 

We just went back to the moon. They took pictures of the other side of the moon.  Historic.  You would have loved that. 

Im currently watching the last season of Outlander.  You would have loved these last 2 seasons. 

Life goes on,  they say.  We move on.   And we do,  they're not wrong.  But I think I'll always miss you.  I sometimes find myself thinking to call you so I can share something I know you'd get.  Its dissapointing every single time.  I force myself to smile and pretend that I did tell you and we both got a kick out of it.  It's my way of coping.

I know there's probably a bunch of stuff I forgot to mention.  It's ok.  I'll talk to you later. 

PS.  Come visit me in my dreams later?  Hope to see you. 

I hate it here today

I dont even know where to start, what to even say.

I still feel the knives in my back.  There is no consideration.  And I am not even sure anything will change.

I am a fucking joke to everyone around me.  The people I love and trust the most don't treat me seriously.

I keep hearing people fear me.  HA!  Fucking joke.

I try to be friendly, but anything I say is not important.  Nobody responds.  Nobody cares about what I have to say.

I feel stuck.  I have no social life here.  I just wanna leave.

I am ready to leave this ugly feeling behind as I grow just a little bit colder. 

I'm going out tonight.  But I wont be the same tomorrow.

Looking out in the back yard

 The other night I was outside with the dogs and I did a quick scan of my yard.  Once ugly and blank, full of dirt, then cleaner, then greener, then upgraded with a faboulous green back yard and a couple of young trees and patio furniture.  Then came the pool and it was fabulous.  Everything looked beautiful.  

We had parties, the dogs enjoyed it, especially my Rory.  We would grill out on Saturdays even if it was just us.  

Then it all changed and even the yard looks a little sad.  We upkeep the pool and use it but seems like it needs a revamp all around.  Nothing crazy, just a bit here and there and definitely new patio furniture.  The sun out here is brutal.

I think what got me the most is being out there and not seeing my Rory.  Clara too but that yard belonged to Rory.  He was the king of the backyard and the swimming pool.  Anytime he wanted to go in, he would.  He wouldnt even wait.  I miss that.  No other dog wants to go in.

I think ever since he died, I havent seen the yard the same way.  Like, I dare say I built the pool for mostly him, for sure that little lounge area.  Crazy how I still miss him so much.  My heart aches when I think about stuff like this.  Like I can think of him on the couch and anecdotes and laugh, but when it comes to the backyard, it's so depressing.  And I dont want to do that anymore.  It is also my area and I should enjoy it.  

I think once I get new furniture and I revamp it and clean it, I will probably see it in a new light and enjoy it more.

Just my thoughts today.

August

During a time when depression was still prevalent in the house.  Not to say it doesn't still linger, but we had just lost our Clara a few weeks before.  I decided (with the ok of X) it was time to do something I had been wanting to do and also in honor of both Clara and Rory.  I also thought it would mend our souls at least a bit with everything we had been through in the past 15 months.  So we started volunteering as foster parents for a dog rescue.  As soon as I got the ok from the rescue, we dove right in.  

It was Sunday August 25th.  Ash contacts me and tells me this girl needs our help.  She is going to get euthanized the very next day.  I said, she looks a little too big than we can handle but screw it, let's hit the ground running.  This was her.  I think they called her Tuxie in the slammer.  I was definitely nervous.

Monday, August 26th, 2024.  They bring her out.  We immediately get kisses.  She was loving from day 1.  Who were you before us?  Who had you and let you go?  What happened to your babies?  We know at least one got adopted through the shelter.  

A few baths, brushes, days of trying to acclimate herself with the rest of the pack, she just fit right in.  Finally opened up herself to us.  Too many stories to share in one blog.  It was 4 months of love and falling in love.  She restored our hearts.  Made us see that like her, more need saving.  That any dog is worth to give the opportunity to live.  She mended our hearts as we mended hers. We know she lost all her babies.  But we dont have any history about her past, her old owners (if she had any), her old home, her old pack and all her babies, recent or older, if any.  We know, she was captured with one of her pups and he got adopted out.  That she was left alone and heartbroken.  We were exactly what we all needed at the time.

She now belongs to her real family, we were just a temporary stop to prepare her for her true happiness.  A family that has gone through some heartbreak from what I was told.  She is taking all we taught her and shared with her and passing it along.  She will save them too.

I hope you dream about me every now and then, I know I will.  Or when you suddenly hear a Taylor Swift song, it will take you back to our Eras nights while I held you and you were falling asleep, Id sing some of her folksy songs to you.  Even if it is just a split second we can relive our moments and smile. 

August now marks the month that changed my life for the better.  What began as a tribute to my pets that have passed on, is now a commitement to continue my efforts to save as many souls as I can.

And now it is December, almost Christmas.  4 months went by so quick but they are filled with memories.  People say you never forget your first.  But that is not why I will remember you.  It wasnt because you were my first official foster.  I will remember you because it was you.  My sweet Ruby.

"August slipped away into a moment in time, cause it was never mine".- TS

Clara 5/20/2013-7/20/2024

My warm goldita.  Mi mamas goldas.  I am going to miss you so much.  The fact that your usual scent was of warm milk and oatmeal, oh man I am going to miss that smell so much.  And your warm kisses whenever you felt like showing affection.  Your breathing on my leg when you wanted a snack from the table.  There are so many anecdotes and memories to fit into just this one blog.  

Like that time you got your head stuck in a bag of charcoal, or when you always tried to take my towel off my head after I showered.  You would be on top of the bed waiting for me to exit the bathroom and your tail would start going crazy.  I'm going to miss that sound.  The way you would bark incessantly at any worker that went to the house.  You even went on a little adventure with Duncan and went missing for a few hours a few years ago in July.  You wanted to go live with the cows.  So many memories.

You meant a lot to me.  We did everything to give you a dignified life although we knew it was just a matter of time.  The extra time you gave us was beautiful, with some ups and some downs but more ups than downs; and I believe we did good by you in these last 9 months when it came to quality of life after we found out you had cancer.  You showed us you were happy, you were so loving, energetic and passionate about taking on the role of alpha after Rory left us.  I have no regrets.  If I knew 9 months ago that that day would be the last day, I would not change a thing.  Every sacrifice, every dollar spent, every hour spent with you was worth it and I am sure in your own way you enjoyed the time you had left with the people that you loved and that includes Duncan and Amelia.  I think they are still in shock.  They seem a little lost without you.  We all do.  

We are all born to die, it is what we do in between that matters.  I will remember the good times you gave us and I will smile when I think about you.  RIP my sweet goldita.  I will never forget you and will miss you forever.

Something from my past....

My relationship with my first husband should have been just someone who I dated.  I was hearing music from the 90s and it triggered a memory of when I first met him.  We had so much fun.  We were so young.  It should have only been a fun fall to spring fling and then it would have died down.  I am sure of it.

It sounds cruel I know.  I was preggers and I really wanted to try to make it work.  We were married for 13 years.  Really truly married for 12 since the last year was basically me trying to leave and left and months of just trying to survive while seprated.

In those years, we had our fair share of good friends and good times.  He really was a fun guy, but looking back I didnt really know him when we got married.  We had been dating for 5 months when I got pregnant.  I was 18.  Jesus, now thinking about it and having all this experience on me, I cannot believe I went through with it.  I wanted my kid, of that I am sure of, but I was unsure of marrying someone I hardly knew.  My parents made it sound like I had no choice, so I had to try to make it work.  Looking back at that time, I was kinda hoping they would see my side of it and let me try being a single mother.  I can't believe my parents pushed for marriage.  They didnt even know him.  I always felt like they were punishing me for having sex and getting pregnant.  Such is life I guess.

I'm not hating on it.  After all, those experiences partly shaped who I am now.  

But going back to my original point.  If I were to think of us as just dating and someone who I dated for a while when I was 18, I would like to think that it would be a fun memory.  It was nice to remember the person he was when we first met.  Who knows what would have been or who we would be had we not been pressured to go thru with the marriage.

Birthday post

Today is my birthday.  It's barely 1 pm and I already got sang to, got flowers, bday cake, congratulations on social media, texts and phone calls.

I am very blessed to have so many loving people in my life.  

Turns out even my son is coming over to celebrate me today.  

I am just feeling very loved today and I wanted to blog about it so if I am ever in doubt that I matter, even if a little bit to some people, I will come back to this blog and remind myself that I am being too hard on myself as always. 

52 years old.  I dont feel it.  I have lived my life the way I have wanted to and really time does fly when you're having fun.  Where did all the years go?  This is crazy, I was still in my 30's when we first bought the house and that wasnt so long ago.  

I do feel like I am transitioning to a new era.  I feel a lot more secure about myself.  I feel like I am still growing of course, but just a bit more fearless.  I have come to learn over the years that nothing is as bad as it seems and things can always be better.  Even when things are great, you can keep striving to be even better.  

I do miss my dad.  He was already gone last birthday but it had been too recent so I was still going through grief so I didnt really feel it then, but I felt it now.  He was always one of the first ones to call me.  I had my moment where I teared up over it.  But I moved on.  I have plenty to enjoy and be thankful for.

To anyone reading, I hope you have as much as a lovely day as I am having right now.  Sending virtual hugs. 

Until next time.

Friends and get togethers 2024 edition

Before I start writing about this, I want to make sure that I state that I mean no real offense to anyone and this is just me using this medium as some sort of therapy.  I am sure 99% of people I know IRL dont read my stuff or dont know about this blog.  But I mean no offense to any of them as I love them all dearly.

Weird how life changes so much in a span of a handful of years.  I see my past photos of friends and get togethers and I miss that fun and comraderie.  Why have we all grown so apart?  

I could say I have outgrown them, but they could have also outgrown me.  Or maybe we have picked up different interests along the way.

I went to a get together to a friend's house this past weekend.  It had been ages since we last got together like this.  Like the whole group.  I wanted to go, I keep saying I want to meet new people and make new friends but these people have been my friends for years and I care deeply for them, it's just... not the same anymore.  

I had been wanting to get out of the house and socialize and get dressed up, etc.  Just normal human activity and interaction.  X doesnt care for it too much.  He would be happy not leaving the house ever.  I like staying in, but every now and then, I need to get out.  I feel like I suffocate if I dont get out out of the house sometimes.

X was out.  He didnt wanna go so he didnt go.  My stepson (M20) decided he would accompany me bc he was also bored and wanted to leave the house as well.  So off we went.

So going back to the party.  Everyone was very welcoming and inviting.  It was nice to see everyone.  But if I am honest, it almost felt forced.  By the second hour I was there, I started to realize what am I doing here?  I feel more alone now than I did before I left the house.  My girlfriends, all they do is talk about diseases.  WTF kind of a party is this?  I get that sometimes it turns a bit personal and you can share shit for 5-10 minutes at most but you shouldnt make the whole night about that.  

I looked around, another GF was just quietly sitting across from us getting drunk.  Either because she was bored or didnt want to think about her own ailments.  A couple of the guys didnt even bother coming outside.  They stayed inside watching loud concerts.  I would have gone inside, but it was waaaaay too loud.  So no chance for a conversation at all.  Another one of my guy friends was sitting accross from me just shooting the shit and honestly the better part of the night and it wasnt even that much better either.  The rest of the people were moving around from outside to inside and I guess trying to find a comfort spot to hang out in.

This went on for a good 45 minutes to an hour until I told myself, what are you still doing here?  Why are you forcing yourself to be here and be bored to tears.  I felt like whatever disease they were talking about I was starting to get symptoms of it.  To each their own I guess.  But I dont like talking about negative stuff.  And these girls, everytime they get together, thats all they talk about.  Like dont you have anything else to talk about?  Separated, those 2 can be quite fun, but I know that if they get together it turns into a bitchfest about ailments and bad relationships.  

Dont get me wrong, I care about my pals, I just dont want to hear about the same thing over and over.  Tell me the 2 min version and then lets move on, ya know?  Unless we specifically met to talk about this, a party is not the place to do this IMO.

So am I the asshole here?  I can't help the way I feel and I do try to be nice and give everyone my attention when they need it.  But this time I felt like I was just there like another piece of furniture.  I tried to change the conversation to something more light, but it didnt work.  Then when I finally said, ok let's go, both hosts were like, OH NO, why so early?  Like really?  (BTW, stepson said hed never go again lol).

So my whole point about this is, I went out because I felt like I needed a change in atmosphere and just socialize.  I dont know what I was expecting TBH, but I left the place feeling more lonely than before I got there.  I just cant relate to anyone at the moment and I feel lost.  

This has nothing to do with my household or my family (that's a whole other thing).  This is specifically my local friends.  And with that being said, I am probably just as un-interesting to them.  Or maybe it was just an off night.  Or the setting was not ideal and everyone pretty much forced ourselves to go for the same reason I did.

I may be the problem, I expect too much and there's maybe not much left to enjoy.  IDK.  I will try again sometime soon.

In my thoughts today...

My dad. He always enjoyed a good ice cream. He loved floats too. And swimming. And fun outdoorsy things like going to water parks and getting on all the rides. Everything he did in his life, he enjoyed. Even work. Up until the very end, he had goals and plans. He is an inspiration to live life to the fullest and never stop trying new things, or just trying at anything you do. He was a very hard worker but when it came time to enjoy, man did he.

Papi, You always worried about leaving a legacy of righteousness, I told you that if anyone ever taught me to be fair in life, it was you. And if anyone taught me to enjoy even the smallest things in life, it was you. So although I will always miss you, I will also enjoy everything life has to offer me because that's what you did and that's how it should be. And I hope if there is an afterlife, you're enjoying the most delicious ice creams and floats Thank you so much for everything.

Rainy days and Mondays...

 I wish I was home today.  I love rainy days but I love them more from home.  Something about gloomy cool days, comfy clothes, warm socks and a couch with the curtains and blinds open.  

We have a San Antonio trip coming up this Wednesday/Thursday for Clara's treatment.  This will be the same kind of weather and quote frankly I can't wait.  I'm hoping we can enjoy Wednesday night before it rains and go get some dinner at the river.  

The weather is perfect for an early dinner outside.  And then cuddles in our hotel room while we watch a movie.  These trips can be a pain in the ass for sure, but they are necessary for my Clara.  And although these are literally cancer treatments and there may be sad times ahead, it is all a matter of perception when we take these trips.  So I try to make it a special event, rather than a boring visit.  I think it works.  I think X also enjoys our time alone and the time we give her when we take these trips.

I will especially enjoy a cool and rainy day.

This is today at home 

Just... something.

Who could have thought that things would hurt even more as time goes by.  Why do people say that time heals all?  It's more like time allows you to get used to the pain.  Or maybe as we get older, the feeling is more pronounced, like it resonates more.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with dearly departed family or friends.  Maybe it has to do with growing older, body changes, hormones, i dont know.  All I can say is that I am very very sad.  I am really good at shaking it off and building my walls until it goes away.  This time, this past 2 weeks, it just kept growing and this past weekend I actually had to take a normalizer because it was unbearable to even breathe.  Is this what clinical depression feels like?  I dont want to be on pills, I like knowing that I am in control but this was scary.  After the pill I took I was able to finally breathe easy and relax.  I took a nap and then was able to have a good night sleep.  I feel a lot better today.  I am hoping this was just a random episode.  I dont have time for this.  I need a mental break and so I am taking a couple of days off to relax and allow myself to enjoy a different ambiance.  Maybe that is all I need.  Regardless, I am looking forward to this.  Being near X always makes me feel better too.  I think I may blog about this trip here.  I feel like I only come and pour sadness and despair and that is not the only thing I have in my life.  

Ill do my best to share pics and experiences from this coming weekend.

My bathroom companion

I felt his presence this morning while I was in the shower and it triggered a lot of memories of him barging in uninvited like he owned the place.  He'd look at me while I showered or wait for me until I was done using the toilet.  And it always tickled me.  Like why are you here you weirdo?

When he would use his nose to open the bath door or later on the curtains, he would lick the water from the sides of the tub.  Then I would take water in my hand and let it trickle down my fingers and into his little snout so he could enjoy some water on his face and he would also drink it.  I wish I'd taken video of it somehow but I was in the shower when it happened so never really occurred to me to do so.  But I remember and now I'll never forget it.  Only River and Rory did that.  I miss that so much.

I've been dreaming of Rory more often nowadays.  It makes me smile.  I know I'll never see him again IRL but I can always look forward to dreams.  I'll see you there my luv.

Why does January seem to go slow?

It happened last year too.  Felt like the longest month.  I keep thinking we are mid January and we are barely 1 week and 2 days in.  

It's been busy at work.  I may need to stay late a couple of times.  Income tax season is upon us and I want it all.  I do not want to lose any deal.  I need to make extra money, I dont want to change my life style.  So I have to put in the work to be able to enjoy my life the way I am used to.

Oh yeah, today is my mom's birthday.  It is her 1st birthday without my dad.  I know it must be tough on her but it seems like she makes it tougher on herself and those that surround her.  I still remember like it was yesterday, but it was a year ago that my dad was supposed to take her out to dinner to celebrate and he had too much work and was running late, drama ensued and they didnt go anywhere.  I let my dad have it and had "the talk" with him.  I dont think we have ever been that honest with each other about her.  In hindsight, I see the scenario a lot different than what I saw then.  She probably threw an unecessary tantrum and he was already fed up with her abuse.  So they stayed home.  We eventually did take her out when we all tested negative (we were all positive for covid that week).

I still dream of him.  I actually had a dream about my dad this morning.  I cant remember everything but I have been dreaming of him a lot lately.  It's almost like normal to see him in my dreams.  

I also saw Rory in that same dream.  We were chartering a boat to go sail somewhere.  And I was nervous about it, like I couldnt believe that we were doing that.  But I saw him.  He was asleep by my feet.  I touched him and he moved a little without waking up.  And it made me smile.  I was happy to see him.

Life is different without my dad.  I dont care too much about my mother being a nag because I dont visit often.  Like it really doesnt matter to me.  I think I only felt a twinge of guilt because my dad would be the one to ask me to be there more.  Like both would say it, but I really only cared about his feelings.  Don't get me wrong, I dont hate my mother.  I just dont have anything in common with her.  She's manipulative, narcissist and hysterical.  Some years ago I allowed myself to be happy wtithout feeling guilt and little by little I became better at it.  Now I just dont let it bother me.  

My mother used to be whole.  She used to be someone I looked up to.  But something happened to her during her midlife crisis or menopause that she couldnt control and then took over her.  No amount of therapy has been able to help her because she refuses the help thinking shes right and everyone else sucks.  My dad was in that list.  So I dont really understand why now all of a sudden she cant live without him.  Maybe she was just used to torturing him.  Maybe that's what she misses.

I have fond memories of her as a child.  She was loving and caring but stern in her ways; hard working and independent but also domestic and proud of the family she was raising.  She taught me to be independent and domestic at the same time.  Although, I took the more independent route.  

I do miss that woman.  And I know we all change with time, but because we learn things and hopefully become better versions of ourselves.  With her it was the other way around.  And it angers me and it breaks my heart sometimes.  And it is the reason I cant spend too much time with her.  Because she's a stranger to me.  I wish it wasnt so, but it is.

This is where I have to stop and start to get ready to leave.  Traffic awaits and I still need to pick up dinner.

Until the next time reader.

2023

 And here I thought 2020 was the most barbaric year in my lifetime.  And it was, no doubt, 2020 was certainly an experience and an eye opener.  This year though, this year the heartbreak was personal.  I know life is a series of anecdotes and coincidences, but man this year felt like a direct attack.  And I won't list the series of unfortunate events, some have already been disclosed on this blog.  So instead, as a big FU to this year (if that's even a thing), I'd rather not mention negative things; instead, I'd like to focus on the opportunities and cool things I lived thru in 2023.

I remember in January, we all got Covid, except for X.  The reason it is a good memory is because 1. it was tame and 2. it forced us all to be confined to the house until we got better.  After we were all starting to feel better, all we did was game all day.  I still worked but in between, I'd game with the boys.  Just hung out for days.  

Then a couple of weeks later, we checked out Michael Rappaport in SA.  That was cool.  X and I had an amazing time.  Went to a blues bar, hung out with some pals from SA.  

In February, we celebrated 7 years of marriage (although we have been together way more than that).  Took a little weekend trip to SA and had an amazing time.  Listened to jazz by the riverwalk, went to a drag bar for brunch (that was fun af), had dinner at this amazing place called Signature on La Cantera, it was a nice long weekend and it was really special and relaxing.

After my dad's diagnosis and stroke when he was flown to SA, I was distraught.  It was one of the worse feelings in the world.  But it also reminded me of the good people that exist in the world.  My best friend Gaby rushed to be by my side.  My son Rob took a week off from work so he could spend some time with the family and grandfather.  I got to see the helpers of the world, caring nurses and doctors, everyone putting the best effort to make sure my dad was getting the best help and the compassion they showed us.  They made a horrible situation less horrible.  I will never forget that. 

After his death during spring and after what my sister had gone through, I decided it was time to get a checkup and be more consistent on that and take better care of myself.  I began a new diet around May.  Nothing crazy, just calorie counting and less carbs.  I was able to shave off 14 lbs.  I felt better and looked better that even at work it was noticed.  (granted I have gained some holiday weight but I went back to healthy eating since yesterday, I did it before, I can do it again I suppose).

Although X lost his job and it was a very traumatic event for both of us, I think he needed a bit of a reset.  Maybe he still doesnt see it, but that job never appreciated him and dumped most of the work on him.  Plus it was very beneficial to our sick dog Rory.  He adored that dog and he would have felt terrible if he would not have had the time he gave him because of that job.  The way things happened was just right, for him and for Rory.  He will find something I have no doubt.  We are ok financially.

There were a few trips and events to mention.  My dad's memorial was amazing and so many people showed up.  Funerals are so sad and morose, that's what they are meant to be.  We wanted our dad to have a better send off.  He would have loved it.  We had some trips to Austin.  Once in summer and then again in the begining of fall.  Celebrated Gaby's bday in the summer and in the fall we stopped by on my way to the Ft Worth Show I go to every year for work.  We saw Depache Mode in concert.  Loved that.  We also saw Caifanes which I had not seen in decades.  Towards the end of the year we finally went to the RenFair near Houston.  Had a lot of fun.  We finally saw my son's new house in CS.  Very nice design.

We hosted Thanksgiving luncheon and party.  That was very well thought out and succesful.  Most of the work was X's.  I helped but only a bit.  Everyone had a very good time and there was no drama which was the point of it.

The last 2 months of the year were so busy for me, personally and professionaly.  Although I ended up exhausted, the work that I had to put into having better months professionaly for example, paid off.  I dont think I have ever had such a great November and December like this before.  Also, the fact that I have kept myself busy, allows me to put all the bad stuff out of my mind.  Although, admittingly, sometimes during downtime, it all comes crashing down and then I lose myself emotionally.  As people have pointed out, I have to go through it regardless if it is now or later, it is just natural to happen for my own mental stability.  Our brains require the closure to be able to move on, and if you put it off, it still comes at you.  But I still have to do it my way, I dont know any other way to do it.

Another good note to point out, although Clara is very sick and has an incurable disease, she seems to be responding well to her treatment.  My only hope is that it can extend her life until she reaches her full life cycle which can be an extra 4 to 5 years on bassets.  We will try our best to keep her with us as much as we can.  As long as shes comfortable and happy which she seems to be so far.

Although the number changes, the way I look and feel wont change at midnight, that will take time.  I am ok with that.  Not looking to rush anything in my physical appearance or my emotional journey to heal from all the traumatic events that took place this year.  I know they wont be the last either.  Just need to take it all in and slowly go through it.  And just enjoy life no matter what happens.  I want to learn to enjoy life more.  Even the things that seem insignificant.  And take more pictures.  I need to document more.  

My goals for 2024 is that.  Take things slower, stop rushing all the time.  Learn to enjoy life more.  Document more as my memory is not that great and also because, as I said before, I would like to leave some sort of footprint of my life, or some aspect of it.  Be more organized at home and work.  Finally upgrade my closet. And definitely go back to my health kick.  

To those 5 readers that follow me and anyone else that may find this, have a very safe and happy new year!  See you next year!

Post Thanksgiving blog

Well Thanksgiving came and went and I am happy to say that it was a great success!  

There was plenty of food, plenty of drink, plenty of laughs and singing and rock band.  I was both happy to see everyone and exhausted for all the work and love we put into the event. Not to mention the fact that I had been preparing all week for an event at work for Black Friday (which was also a success!).

I was afraid at some point it would turn into drama because some of us are no longer around, but that didnt happen.  At least not that I know.  I did get tiny moments where I would think of my dad and how I was always trying to impress him with the wine I bought or the drink I made for him, and at some point we would have small talk about politics, but it would be soon broken up by my mother and we would continue with something else that was just ours and nobody else cared about.  We were like that sometimes.  And then I'd think of my Rory and how he'd be enjoying the party and trying to catch anything that fell from the table.  My little kitchen companion.  But those tiny moments were moments of nostalgia that didnt go any further as I would be required to go help out or someone needed me or wanted my attention.  All in all, it was mostly fun with a side of nostalgia.  Which, to me, is how a holiday party should be.  

I already miss everyone but I guess that is why it is so special.  If you had that every weekend, it would not be the same.  It is special because we give ourselves time to miss each other.  And also because as we get older, we start losing more people and it really makes you think about your own mortality, like is this my last one? or so and so is looking a little bit off or feeble and you start to wonder...😬  It's a little morbid, I know, but it is kind of inevitable to push aside.  It is what it is, just odd how these are things that dont even cross your mind when youre 20 or 30.  But I digress... there's still another party coming anyway, we are having one for Xmas but that one will be hosted by my sister thankfully so I can relax and have a good time.  I only have to worry about my drink and possibly a side and I promise you that it will not be the green pasta.  Maybe one day I'll blog about that green pasta and the work it takes to make.  

It is crazy how November is gone already.  This year has been a breeze but also the longest year if that makes sense.  Hell, I remember how just January felt like it had an extra week, man it felt like forever.  It was too much.  Like the first half of the year was slow and then the second just flew.  As soon as summer started it just went by so quick.

Well, that's it for today.  Need to get back to work and make some coin.  Bills aint gonna pay themselves.  

Have a good weekend reader!

Thanksgiving 2023

We are hosting and I am kind of anxious.  X says he needs it to get his mind off of the shitty year we have had.  He finds comfort in the fact that all our kids will be there under one roof for one day.  I wish I shared that sentiment.  Yes, I am happy to see them all, but I am not that excited.  Between my dad's funeral expenses, helping out my family, paying taxes, Rory's disease and death and now Clara's disease, I am broke.  I have had to dig into my savings and I hate it.  I had that money put away for something else and emergencies.  

I guess this is kind of an emergency (clara) but still, it annoys me and makes me anxious.  

So yeah, having the "kids" over usually means I have to spend extra money.  Sometimes R comes in with groceries, so hopefully he will do this as well this weekend bc I dont think I have anything extra to feed them except for turkey.  😬 

*side note- I say kids like that because they are NOT kids at all.  They are all adults capable of paying their own shit but they dont.  It's my fault though, I have coddled them way too much.  I want to say I am done doing that. I mean, not like I have much choice right now in the matter anyway.

But I digress... thankfully we have bought everything we need for the event and maybe I can take a rest and not think about crazy money spending until next year.  My sister hosts the Christmas party this year.  So theres that at least.  Seems like shes coming around financially and I am so relieved for that and happy for her.

I just want to be stable again.  It sucks if people show up and I got nothing to offer.  All I can do right now is take care of my household and pay bills.  And that aint me.  Hasnt been me for years.

I just need to be patient and relax, because if there is one thing I do know is that I will bounce back.  I always do.  I am just a little anxious about everything that has happened in the past few months.  I wanna say im depressed but im not, not really.  I am anxious and at times very sad or bitter.  But I brush it off as quickly as I can because I have to.  No choice.  Gotta keep moving.

Now that I have poured my guts a bit, I think I feel a little better.  I know I have a handful of readers out there.  Whoever you are.  Thanks for taking an interest.  Hope to be in a better mood next time.  Or tell tales of abundance instead of this patheticness.

Have a great Thanksgiving Holiday!  🦃

Clara appreciation post

Clara is always happy to be home after a long trip.  Especially when she spent it at the hospital.  Love my baby girl.

High school band and color guard

 So this is a new topic for me.  Although I have been married to a man that is a band, drummer, DCI enthusiast and fan, I have never really been that interested.

This past saturday my sister invited me to go support my niece as her school was going to perform and she was going to be a participant as part of the dance group.  I was not expecting much to be honest.  But I was pleasantly surprised.

I remember maybe seeing a couple of these events back when I was younger.  They bored me so much or I expected too much and thought they were subpar.  Well things have changed.  These kids have really stepped it up a few notches.  I was very impressed.  I loved the way my husband and my sister were connecting on this subject.  Like they were really into it.

Anyway.  My niece's school did make it to state.  So I am very proud of her and all her team.  I couldnt find their performance but I will leave the ones that won that night.  Which I also loved.  Ever since they came out and I saw the art, I said, they need to win.  Very good and beautiful performance.  Also because they added the theme to one of my favorite shows of all time.

Enjoy!

Dont feel guilt for this...

 

Guilt tries to sneak in when you least expect it.  You smile and feel at peace and bam!  It hits you.  I dont think so, not with this.  I had left this on my cart last time I logged in to HEB. Was gonna see if Rory ate it.  We fed him all types of food to entice his apetite.   We didnt try, we DID everything that we could. I want us to get through this and grieve the way we need to, and even though guilt will come in to play every now and then, we shouldnt allow it. Guilt is not welcome here. We did everything we could to save him, his little body gave out.  It is sad and heartbreaking because he was everything to us, but we did right by him up until the very end.