It's been 3 years.... what have you missed?

Vivi graduated highschool.  

Christian is now Nora.  

Mina came back to live with us.

 Rory died then Clara soon after.  

Trump is president again.  

X lost his job soon after you left.  Couldnt find anything for a couple of years.  An opportunity opened where I work and now he does our marketing.  

Ana now sells insurance and is quite succesful at it.  You would be proud.

Mother hasnt really changed.  She at least has several groups of friends she hangs with.  She misses you.  We all do.  Very much. 

This town is still the same.  Nothing changes around here.  It is still the same boring ass town.

We started fostering dogs right after Clara left us.  We adopted 2 dogs out of there, Augie and Johnny.

We still have Amelia and Duncan.

I lost some weight and I think I have been pretty good at keeping it at a healthy level.  X lost a ton of weight.  

My service guy got deported a few weeks ago. 

Im currently watching the last season of Outlander.  You would have loved these last 2 seasons. 

Life goes on,  they say.  We move on.   And we do,  they're not wrong.  But I think I'll always miss you.  I sometimes find myself thinking to call you so I can share something I know you'd get.  Its dissapointing every single time.  I force myself to smile and pretend that I did tell you and we both got a kick out of it.  It's my way of coping.

I know there's probably a bunch of stuff I forgot to mention.  It's ok.  I'll talk to you later. 

PS.  Come visit me in my dreams later?  Hope to see you. 

I hate it here today

I dont even know where to start, what to even say.

I still feel the knives in my back.  There is no consideration.  And I am not even sure anything will change.

I am a fucking joke to everyone around me.  The people I love and trust the most don't treat me seriously.

I keep hearing people fear me.  HA!  Fucking joke.

I try to be friendly, but anything I say is not important.  Nobody responds.  Nobody cares about what I have to say.

I feel stuck.  I have no social life here.  I just wanna leave.

I am ready to leave this ugly feeling behind as I grow just a little bit colder. 

I'm going out tonight.  But I wont be the same tomorrow.

Looking out in the back yard

 The other night I was outside with the dogs and I did a quick scan of my yard.  Once ugly and blank, full of dirt, then cleaner, then greener, then upgraded with a faboulous green back yard and a couple of young trees and patio furniture.  Then came the pool and it was fabulous.  Everything looked beautiful.  

We had parties, the dogs enjoyed it, especially my Rory.  We would grill out on Saturdays even if it was just us.  

Then it all changed and even the yard looks a little sad.  We upkeep the pool and use it but seems like it needs a revamp all around.  Nothing crazy, just a bit here and there and definitely new patio furniture.  The sun out here is brutal.

I think what got me the most is being out there and not seeing my Rory.  Clara too but that yard belonged to Rory.  He was the king of the backyard and the swimming pool.  Anytime he wanted to go in, he would.  He wouldnt even wait.  I miss that.  No other dog wants to go in.

I think ever since he died, I havent seen the yard the same way.  Like, I dare say I built the pool for mostly him, for sure that little lounge area.  Crazy how I still miss him so much.  My heart aches when I think about stuff like this.  Like I can think of him on the couch and anecdotes and laugh, but when it comes to the backyard, it's so depressing.  And I dont want to do that anymore.  It is also my area and I should enjoy it.  

I think once I get new furniture and I revamp it and clean it, I will probably see it in a new light and enjoy it more.

Just my thoughts today.

August

During a time when depression was still prevalent in the house.  Not to say it doesn't still linger, but we had just lost our Clara a few weeks before.  I decided (with the ok of X) it was time to do something I had been wanting to do and also in honor of both Clara and Rory.  I also thought it would mend our souls at least a bit with everything we had been through in the past 15 months.  So we started volunteering as foster parents for a dog rescue.  As soon as I got the ok from the rescue, we dove right in.  

It was Sunday August 25th.  Ash contacts me and tells me this girl needs our help.  She is going to get euthanized the very next day.  I said, she looks a little too big than we can handle but screw it, let's hit the ground running.  This was her.  I think they called her Tuxie in the slammer.  I was definitely nervous.

Monday, August 26th, 2024.  They bring her out.  We immediately get kisses.  She was loving from day 1.  Who were you before us?  Who had you and let you go?  What happened to your babies?  We know at least one got adopted through the shelter.  

A few baths, brushes, days of trying to acclimate herself with the rest of the pack, she just fit right in.  Finally opened up herself to us.  Too many stories to share in one blog.  It was 4 months of love and falling in love.  She restored our hearts.  Made us see that like her, more need saving.  That any dog is worth to give the opportunity to live.  She mended our hearts as we mended hers. We know she lost all her babies.  But we dont have any history about her past, her old owners (if she had any), her old home, her old pack and all her babies, recent or older, if any.  We know, she was captured with one of her pups and he got adopted out.  That she was left alone and heartbroken.  We were exactly what we all needed at the time.

She now belongs to her real family, we were just a temporary stop to prepare her for her true happiness.  A family that has gone through some heartbreak from what I was told.  She is taking all we taught her and shared with her and passing it along.  She will save them too.

I hope you dream about me every now and then, I know I will.  Or when you suddenly hear a Taylor Swift song, it will take you back to our Eras nights while I held you and you were falling asleep, Id sing some of her folksy songs to you.  Even if it is just a split second we can relive our moments and smile. 

August now marks the month that changed my life for the better.  What began as a tribute to my pets that have passed on, is now a commitement to continue my efforts to save as many souls as I can.

And now it is December, almost Christmas.  4 months went by so quick but they are filled with memories.  People say you never forget your first.  But that is not why I will remember you.  It wasnt because you were my first official foster.  I will remember you because it was you.  My sweet Ruby.

"August slipped away into a moment in time, cause it was never mine".- TS

Clara 5/20/2013-7/20/2024

My warm goldita.  Mi mamas goldas.  I am going to miss you so much.  The fact that your usual scent was of warm milk and oatmeal, oh man I am going to miss that smell so much.  And your warm kisses whenever you felt like showing affection.  Your breathing on my leg when you wanted a snack from the table.  There are so many anecdotes and memories to fit into just this one blog.  

Like that time you got your head stuck in a bag of charcoal, or when you always tried to take my towel off my head after I showered.  You would be on top of the bed waiting for me to exit the bathroom and your tail would start going crazy.  I'm going to miss that sound.  The way you would bark incessantly at any worker that went to the house.  You even went on a little adventure with Duncan and went missing for a few hours a few years ago in July.  You wanted to go live with the cows.  So many memories.

You meant a lot to me.  We did everything to give you a dignified life although we knew it was just a matter of time.  The extra time you gave us was beautiful, with some ups and some downs but more ups than downs; and I believe we did good by you in these last 9 months when it came to quality of life after we found out you had cancer.  You showed us you were happy, you were so loving, energetic and passionate about taking on the role of alpha after Rory left us.  I have no regrets.  If I knew 9 months ago that that day would be the last day, I would not change a thing.  Every sacrifice, every dollar spent, every hour spent with you was worth it and I am sure in your own way you enjoyed the time you had left with the people that you loved and that includes Duncan and Amelia.  I think they are still in shock.  They seem a little lost without you.  We all do.  

We are all born to die, it is what we do in between that matters.  I will remember the good times you gave us and I will smile when I think about you.  RIP my sweet goldita.  I will never forget you and will miss you forever.

Something from my past....

My relationship with my first husband should have been just someone who I dated.  I was hearing music from the 90s and it triggered a memory of when I first met him.  We had so much fun.  We were so young.  It should have only been a fun fall to spring fling and then it would have died down.  I am sure of it.

It sounds cruel I know.  I was preggers and I really wanted to try to make it work.  We were married for 13 years.  Really truly married for 12 since the last year was basically me trying to leave and left and months of just trying to survive while seprated.

In those years, we had our fair share of good friends and good times.  He really was a fun guy, but looking back I didnt really know him when we got married.  We had been dating for 5 months when I got pregnant.  I was 18.  Jesus, now thinking about it and having all this experience on me, I cannot believe I went through with it.  I wanted my kid, of that I am sure of, but I was unsure of marrying someone I hardly knew.  My parents made it sound like I had no choice, so I had to try to make it work.  Looking back at that time, I was kinda hoping they would see my side of it and let me try being a single mother.  I can't believe my parents pushed for marriage.  They didnt even know him.  I always felt like they were punishing me for having sex and getting pregnant.  Such is life I guess.

I'm not hating on it.  After all, those experiences partly shaped who I am now.  

But going back to my original point.  If I were to think of us as just dating and someone who I dated for a while when I was 18, I would like to think that it would be a fun memory.  It was nice to remember the person he was when we first met.  Who knows what would have been or who we would be had we not been pressured to go thru with the marriage.

Birthday post

Today is my birthday.  It's barely 1 pm and I already got sang to, got flowers, bday cake, congratulations on social media, texts and phone calls.

I am very blessed to have so many loving people in my life.  

Turns out even my son is coming over to celebrate me today.  

I am just feeling very loved today and I wanted to blog about it so if I am ever in doubt that I matter, even if a little bit to some people, I will come back to this blog and remind myself that I am being too hard on myself as always. 

52 years old.  I dont feel it.  I have lived my life the way I have wanted to and really time does fly when you're having fun.  Where did all the years go?  This is crazy, I was still in my 30's when we first bought the house and that wasnt so long ago.  

I do feel like I am transitioning to a new era.  I feel a lot more secure about myself.  I feel like I am still growing of course, but just a bit more fearless.  I have come to learn over the years that nothing is as bad as it seems and things can always be better.  Even when things are great, you can keep striving to be even better.  

I do miss my dad.  He was already gone last birthday but it had been too recent so I was still going through grief so I didnt really feel it then, but I felt it now.  He was always one of the first ones to call me.  I had my moment where I teared up over it.  But I moved on.  I have plenty to enjoy and be thankful for.

To anyone reading, I hope you have as much as a lovely day as I am having right now.  Sending virtual hugs. 

Until next time.