It's been busy at work. I may need to stay late a couple of times. Income tax season is upon us and I want it all. I do not want to lose any deal. I need to make extra money, I dont want to change my life style. So I have to put in the work to be able to enjoy my life the way I am used to.
Oh yeah, today is my mom's birthday. It is her 1st birthday without my dad. I know it must be tough on her but it seems like she makes it tougher on herself and those that surround her. I still remember like it was yesterday, but it was a year ago that my dad was supposed to take her out to dinner to celebrate and he had too much work and was running late, drama ensued and they didnt go anywhere. I let my dad have it and had "the talk" with him. I dont think we have ever been that honest with each other about her. In hindsight, I see the scenario a lot different than what I saw then. She probably threw an unecessary tantrum and he was already fed up with her abuse. So they stayed home. We eventually did take her out when we all tested negative (we were all positive for covid that week).
I still dream of him. I actually had a dream about my dad this morning. I cant remember everything but I have been dreaming of him a lot lately. It's almost like normal to see him in my dreams.
I also saw Rory in that same dream. We were chartering a boat to go sail somewhere. And I was nervous about it, like I couldnt believe that we were doing that. But I saw him. He was asleep by my feet. I touched him and he moved a little without waking up. And it made me smile. I was happy to see him.
Life is different without my dad. I dont care too much about my mother being a nag because I dont visit often. Like it really doesnt matter to me. I think I only felt a twinge of guilt because my dad would be the one to ask me to be there more. Like both would say it, but I really only cared about his feelings. Don't get me wrong, I dont hate my mother. I just dont have anything in common with her. She's manipulative, narcissist and hysterical. Some years ago I allowed myself to be happy wtithout feeling guilt and little by little I became better at it. Now I just dont let it bother me.
My mother used to be whole. She used to be someone I looked up to. But something happened to her during her midlife crisis or menopause that she couldnt control and then took over her. No amount of therapy has been able to help her because she refuses the help thinking shes right and everyone else sucks. My dad was in that list. So I dont really understand why now all of a sudden she cant live without him. Maybe she was just used to torturing him. Maybe that's what she misses.
I have fond memories of her as a child. She was loving and caring but stern in her ways; hard working and independent but also domestic and proud of the family she was raising. She taught me to be independent and domestic at the same time. Although, I took the more independent route.
I do miss that woman. And I know we all change with time, but because we learn things and hopefully become better versions of ourselves. With her it was the other way around. And it angers me and it breaks my heart sometimes. And it is the reason I cant spend too much time with her. Because she's a stranger to me. I wish it wasnt so, but it is.
This is where I have to stop and start to get ready to leave. Traffic awaits and I still need to pick up dinner.
Until the next time reader.
