Clara

This is Clara.   Maybe.  Still not sure if that will be her official name.  I know it may seem too soon.  River has only been gone a month.  But this opportunity came up and I couldn't pass her up. 
I adopted her from a family that had both mom and dad bassets.  But in a way she is sort of a rescue.  This baby is 2 months old and the family couldn't afford her immunization shots.  I took her to the vet immediately.  Make sure she's taken care of.
Anyway, just wanted to introduce my new baby.

Bad news day

Isn't it crazy how things can change from one second to the next?  You go about your monotonous life on a daily basis almost like you're numb.  Weekdays are like that for me.  At least that's how I live.  Just waiting for the weekend to arrive.  But for the most part my weekdays are almost robotic.  Uneventful. 

It takes something someone says to change your attitude.  It can be something trivial like a joke and you go from eh to lol.  Or something your bitch coworker tells you that makes you want to throw the stapler at her.  Then there's times you get really bad news.  Shakes you up.  Stops you dead on your tracks and wakes you up.  After the shock, you begin thinking about all the good things you can and should enjoy in whatever time you have left on this earth.

It's a given that we only REALLY think about our lives until someone dies, or is dying, or you lost your job, or you had an accident, etc... Why is that?  Everyone always says live everyday like it's your last.  Should we really?  Can we?  I think it's kinda hard if you really think about it.  Because you have to make everything you do eventful.  Then how do you even enjoy a good time if that's all you have?  Good times will become monotonous and then what? 

Nah, don't try to live your life every day like it's your last.  The Doctor says: "There's loads of boring stuff. Like Sundays and Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons. But now and then there are Saturdays."  We need our monotonous life in order to enjoy the really good parts.  The parts that make the best memories.  Because in the end, that's all we are.  A bunch of memories.  We all come here, do our thing, make our mark and leave.  Does it matter after we're gone?  Only to those left behind I guess.  And when you are enjoying your time the way you really like to enjoy it, REALLY embrace it and THAT's when you do it like it's the last time. 

I received some sad news today.  Worry some news.  The kind of news that leaves you helpless and all you can do is wait.  Something bad is going to happen and it is completely inevitable.  Even though nothing can be done, one still worries and feels heavy with despair.  At the same time, why just sit there?  Let's do something meaningful.  There's no time like now to do something memorable.

If all else fails, it's important to let your presence be known in times like this.  It's the least one can do. 

In the meantime, enjoy the time you have left as much as you can.  Enjoy even the boring parts.  Eric Draven said nothing is trivial.  I think there's some truth to that.

Taking a small break

Hectic day here at work and I need to calm down and take a little break and just throw shit all over the office.  That will only make things worse though, so I'll just complain about it here.  That sometimes helps.

I hate it that I can't get everything done when I plan to.  I have a schedule and a rhythm with my job and it's never perfect.  In fact, it's always messed with by my bosses.  Today is worse than the usual though.

It also doesn't help when you have a coworker who just doesn't want to be part of the team.  This person does minimal work around here but is quick to point fingers when something goes awry.  I don't name names around here so we will call he/her B.   Well B really pissed me off today.  The business mgr here is a pain in the ass and is always nitpicking at everything we do.  B has decided that the bus mgr needs to know everything we do around here and it's not sitting well with the rest of the team.  I don't have time to deal with weak people.  And I usually don't.  I go about my merry way and do my job.  But today, it REALLY got to me.  So I decided to calm down and just take a break, write a little story and vent a bit.  My headache hasn't gone away, but I think I can think straight again.

I know I have readers out there.  I see my ticker.  So to all who read, I hope I have entertained you once again with my simple life.  I know it took me about 2-3 years to come back and sadly it was the passing of my River that brought me back, but I'm glad I am.  I forgot how much writing makes me ease up, take a step back and review things before I go apeshit.  Hopefully I can start getting some replies in the future.

My son

Just wanted to post that here.  I guess just testing my phone app.  So far, it's not bad.  Simple.  Not like one can get too inspired blogging with the phone.  But quite useful when doing a quick blog about food or just something you come across out and about.

River

One day you came into my life.  I wasn't really looking for you, at least that's what I thought.  I wanted you to bring some joy to a certain someone who is very special to me.  I knew getting a dog would bring him happiness.  He had been asking for a while.  I went looking for something not knowing what I would find.  But I knew that day, I would take someone home with me.

 

Do you have this breed?  I asked.  I had a breed like you one time before, but that's another story for another time.

The young lady said, we do.  So she took me to meet you.
 

You came out of that little dog house (too small for you I might add) and you looked at me with those big brown eyes almost as if you were asking me if I was there for you.  You were so sickly and skinny and I thought you may not even last.  Why would I risk taking someone with me that would probably die in days?  Or Someone who would surely cost me money in medical bills?  But you came to me and put your head under my hand.  You picked me and all of a sudden I felt so lucky.  Then you looked at me again and I knew I could never leave you.  You won me over in the first 5 seconds of our life together.  That's more than I can say for anyone I have ever met in my life.  This I swear.

 

I told the lady you were coming home with me.  As I was about to pay for the adoption fee, I was told I needed cash.  So I rushed to the nearest ATM and barely made it back in time.  I can only imagine the heartache you must have felt as you saw me leave.  I hope you felt relief when you saw I was back.  I was upset they had taken you back to that smelly cage instead of waiting for me.  But I was happy knowing I took you out of that hell.

 

It was Valentines day.  And after the whole surprise was over and done with I started to worry.  You were a responsibility and I didn't know if I was up for it.  I thought I could find you a good home if it didn't work out.  The thought of returning you came up, but I knew I couldn't do that.  So we agreed to keep you for a few weeks and see if we could handle it.  If not we would find you a better home.

 

The first weeks were so taxing as you were very sick and depressed.  Your last family left you behind and I am sure you were heartbroken.  But I was not about to give up on you.  I was determined to give you the best care and attention until you came back.  It took us about 3 months of medicine and nurturing to make you bounce back to life.  We even adopted a puppy to keep you company while we were not at home.  You would take care of each other. 

 

As your sickness and sadness tapered away, we started to really know you and as the days went by I began to realize how amazing you were and how lucky we were to have found you.  I couldn't understand how anyone could leave you behind. I was and am still jealous of those people who got to spend more time with you.  Who got to know you as a baby.  I wish I would've been so lucky.

 

All the little things you did, even your every day annoyances were something special.  The way you always begged to jump into the bathtub and your obsession with water.  The fact that you only liked to drink water out of a spout.  The way you wailed and wagged your tail so hard when you got excited.  We would always refer to your tail as your Godzilla tail.  It was loud as you would bang it on the floor; and heavy and fast at the same time when you were standing up, so much so that you took out objects in the way of it.  Our other dog Rory has always been out of control but he learned to respect you.  And only when you would allow it he could mess with you.  He also got slapped in the face with Godzilla more than once.  Funny thing is, it never seemed to bother him.  He'd just flinch.  He loved you so much.  We all did.  And we know you loved everyone you came in contact with.  You were just so full of love.

I know people own dogs and they come and go for some. And you came at a time I didn't really want a pet.  You won me over almost immediately with your outstanding personality.  I mean it when I say I never met a dog like you.  You were great.  And even though I now have to go through the heartbreak of losing you, I don't regret a thing.  I only shared 1 year and 4 months with you and dammit I wish it would have lasted longer.  I know I'll never find another soul like yours.  I hate coming home and not finding you at the door wagging your tail like crazy, happy to see us.  I hate coming down the stairs and not see you at your favorite spot... your daddy's couch.  I hate that you will not be there at our next get together.  How you loved those parties and the ribs.  You knew friends over meant ribs.  So many memories you are leaving us and so many un-lived moments I wish we had.  You were my baby and I will always miss you.  And that is why I'm writing this.  Because I want to never forget your story.  

Some people think dogs aren't worth so much grief.  I disagree, a dog's soul is more pure and innocent than any human.  And while most people take them for granted, treat them as an addition to the house, some sort of decor or guard dog, they are more than that.   A dog is your most faithful companion.  A dog will never judge you and is always happy to see you.  While they are some part of your life, you are EVERYTHING to them.  YOU are their whole world.  And I know to my River, we were just that.  And so she was ours as well.

 

Change of heart

I remember posting somewhere some time ago that I did not like hanging out with coworkers.  I used to and there's a few that I considered and still consider friends.  But I realize that people you work with are for the most part, just that, coworkers.  There's no sense of loyalty.  I had my fair share of stabs in the back.  And I was never too trusting, because that's just the way I am, but they would still find a way to try and hurt me professionally or personally.  So it made me even more cautious and thick skinned.

When I started working at this place a year ago, I came in not wanting to deal with anyone.  I was there to do my job and not mess around with people I worked with.  Just avoid the drama.  And it seemed to work for a while.  I saw everyone else hanging around and being friendly with each other and nobody really liked me.  I guess they could sense the resistance.  Quite frankly, I did not care too much.

Well it all boils down to... I changed my mind.  Who changed my mind?  Simple.  Management.  I'd like to say I had a leap of faith and I trusted at least one of my coworkers, but it wasn't like that.  I saw without being the least bit biased, how people were treated by management here.  And then I realized why the tight bond amongst most of them.  I also realized that my previous employers may have also made the backstabbers I dealt with.  Because in the end, we all go there to make money and feed our families and live our lives.  There was a lot of people that were just plain mean or ambitious, but for the most part they were made that way to survive.

The place where I work now is the most unprofessional place I have ever worked in.  Management, for a lack of better words, is fucked.  The main person has no spine and the next on chain of command is a real tyrant.  The kind of boss that looks for errors to have an excuse to yell at you and if she cant find one, she will make one up.  I know what it's like to manage a team and it's not easy because you will never make everyone happy.  But this person not only cannot handle it, but is really mean spirited and a bit of a moron.  Not to mention possibly senile and/ or forgetful. So she takes it out on everyone.  Many times I felt sorry for her.  Not anymore.  She turned my heart to stone when it comes to her.  Just hopeless.

Long story short.  I decided to give my new coworkers a chance.  Well, new meaning about 6 months later.  And I got a nice surprise.  Of course, there are still some people I wouldn't trust.  But a small group of people I work with have turned out to be quite the opposite of what I was used to before coworker wise.  While they may not be my best friends, they are good friends.  They're good people.  I'd like to think that if I ever left this place, I will keep in touch with those who I've become close to.

So, unlike others, I do like to admit (sometimes) when I'm wrong.  This time it makes me happy to be wrong.

Uninspired

I haven't been blogging much.  I used to do it all the time.  It's not that nothing new has happened, I'm just bleh. 

Started exercising again.  Have been doing it on and off, like one week and then nothing the next, never really left it but I'm trying to make it every week at least 3-4 times.  As it is, I started this week, it's barely Thursday and I'm already feeling more energized and more confident.  My clothes feel better.  I need to make an effort.  I really do.  Not just to look good but for my health.  I'm no spring chicken anymore.

Speaking of that... It's my birthday next week.  It's not as significant as it used to be.  Don't get me wrong, I'll take any excuse to celebrate, take a day off, go out of town, buy me something, etc... and this day is mine, so even more so.  Then again, I can do that every other weekend.  Dunno.  Getting older is just not as cool anymore.  I have good genes.  I look a lot younger than I should but I feel older than I am.  Heh.  Probably because of all the partying I did when I was younger.  I'm not even 40 yet but I feel like 50.  I can't stay up too late because I start falling asleep.  Last weekend I had to take an energy shot and yeah it worked, but I over did it.  It was 4:30 and I was tired as hell, but I could NOT go to sleep.  I was freaking out.  Next time I'm taking half.  Fuck that.

I started writing this blog yesterday but I got so busy I had to leave it.  If I felt uninspired yesterday, today is even worse.  Not only that, I have no idea where I was going with this... :S

All I know is that I'm having a bad week.  It was supposed to be a decent week and a fun weekend but apparently life had something else in mind.  I'm extremely depressed.  I got problems.  Nothing to worry about, it's just mental or woman crap....Bad week to have a vagina I swear.  I know I'll get over it soon enough though, I always do.  People like me just do. 

Speaking of vaginas.  It's crossed my mind in the past to try lesbianism.  Not as a one night hot thing... anyone can have that.  More like a relationship.  Now, I didn't say I WANT that, I said it's crossed my mind.  Especially the times when it seems almost impossible to share your life with a man.  I mean, imagine having a shopping buddy ALL THE TIME.  Guys would hit on you a LOT, although I have no problem with that at all anyway.  We would be more understanding to our emotional needs.  PMS would probably go smoother living with a chick.  I certainly wouldnt mind fondling boobs, I mean I do mine all the time.  Then I thought, wait... I would eventually need to eat her out.  Yeah... Not gonna happen.  Besides, I like my boyfriend.  And well, there is absolutely no feminine side to him.  That could be annoying but it's also kinda hot.  Anyway, just thought I'd share that random thought.

So the weekend is finally here.  Suddenly everyone has plans.  A friend of mine is coming into town.  Another friend is having a party.  There was that out of town deal I was going to go to, but changed my mind at the last minute (nobody wants a debbie downer on a trip).  My coworkers want to do happy hour after work.  My mom wants to see me today, although now that I'm not going anywhere, I could just save it for Sunday.  Ugh, everything is just bleh to me right now.  I dont know if this would be considered my bday weekend or next weekend (It's this Tuesday), but I'd rather save it for when my bf doesnt have his kids.  Besides... Debbie Downer... not cool.

What else... Oh, I saw the royal wedding this morning, well the recap anyway, while I was getting ready for work.  How cute was that?  Yeah yeah... I'm not a marriage person, but I like to look at weddings and wedding dresses... I'm weird, I know.  Her dress.  Perfect.  It really looked like mine when I got married years ago.  I like hers better of course.  Hers is simpler.  And that's what I wanted.  My mom and aunts over did it.  But it was still very pretty.  I'll see if I can find a picture of it and scan it.  If I do, I'll edit this post and paste it here.

I'm out of things to say.