Weird how life changes so much in a span of a handful of years. I see my past photos of friends and get togethers and I miss that fun and comraderie. Why have we all grown so apart?
I could say I have outgrown them, but they could have also outgrown me. Or maybe we have picked up different interests along the way.
I went to a get together to a friend's house this past weekend. It had been ages since we last got together like this. Like the whole group. I wanted to go, I keep saying I want to meet new people and make new friends but these people have been my friends for years and I care deeply for them, it's just... not the same anymore.
I had been wanting to get out of the house and socialize and get dressed up, etc. Just normal human activity and interaction. X doesnt care for it too much. He would be happy not leaving the house ever. I like staying in, but every now and then, I need to get out. I feel like I suffocate if I dont get out out of the house sometimes.
X was out. He didnt wanna go so he didnt go. My stepson (M20) decided he would accompany me bc he was also bored and wanted to leave the house as well. So off we went.
So going back to the party. Everyone was very welcoming and inviting. It was nice to see everyone. But if I am honest, it almost felt forced. By the second hour I was there, I started to realize what am I doing here? I feel more alone now than I did before I left the house. My girlfriends, all they do is talk about diseases. WTF kind of a party is this? I get that sometimes it turns a bit personal and you can share shit for 5-10 minutes at most but you shouldnt make the whole night about that.
I looked around, another GF was just quietly sitting across from us getting drunk. Either because she was bored or didnt want to think about her own ailments. A couple of the guys didnt even bother coming outside. They stayed inside watching loud concerts. I would have gone inside, but it was waaaaay too loud. So no chance for a conversation at all. Another one of my guy friends was sitting accross from me just shooting the shit and honestly the better part of the night and it wasnt even that much better either. The rest of the people were moving around from outside to inside and I guess trying to find a comfort spot to hang out in.
This went on for a good 45 minutes to an hour until I told myself, what are you still doing here? Why are you forcing yourself to be here and be bored to tears. I felt like whatever disease they were talking about I was starting to get symptoms of it. To each their own I guess. But I dont like talking about negative stuff. And these girls, everytime they get together, thats all they talk about. Like dont you have anything else to talk about? Separated, those 2 can be quite fun, but I know that if they get together it turns into a bitchfest about ailments and bad relationships.
Dont get me wrong, I care about my pals, I just dont want to hear about the same thing over and over. Tell me the 2 min version and then lets move on, ya know? Unless we specifically met to talk about this, a party is not the place to do this IMO.
So am I the asshole here? I can't help the way I feel and I do try to be nice and give everyone my attention when they need it. But this time I felt like I was just there like another piece of furniture. I tried to change the conversation to something more light, but it didnt work. Then when I finally said, ok let's go, both hosts were like, OH NO, why so early? Like really? (BTW, stepson said hed never go again lol).
So my whole point about this is, I went out because I felt like I needed a change in atmosphere and just socialize. I dont know what I was expecting TBH, but I left the place feeling more lonely than before I got there. I just cant relate to anyone at the moment and I feel lost.
This has nothing to do with my household or my family (that's a whole other thing). This is specifically my local friends. And with that being said, I am probably just as un-interesting to them. Or maybe it was just an off night. Or the setting was not ideal and everyone pretty much forced ourselves to go for the same reason I did.
I may be the problem, I expect too much and there's maybe not much left to enjoy. IDK. I will try again sometime soon.
