Clara 5/20/2013-7/20/2024

My warm goldita.  Mi mamas goldas.  I am going to miss you so much.  The fact that your usual scent was of warm milk and oatmeal, oh man I am going to miss that smell so much.  And your warm kisses whenever you felt like showing affection.  Your breathing on my leg when you wanted a snack from the table.  There are so many anecdotes and memories to fit into just this one blog.  

Like that time you got your head stuck in a bag of charcoal, or when you always tried to take my towel off my head after I showered.  You would be on top of the bed waiting for me to exit the bathroom and your tail would start going crazy.  I'm going to miss that sound.  The way you would bark incessantly at any worker that went to the house.  You even went on a little adventure with Duncan and went missing for a few hours a few years ago in July.  You wanted to go live with the cows.  So many memories.

You meant a lot to me.  We did everything to give you a dignified life although we knew it was just a matter of time.  The extra time you gave us was beautiful, with some ups and some downs but more ups than downs; and I believe we did good by you in these last 9 months when it came to quality of life after we found out you had cancer.  You showed us you were happy, you were so loving, energetic and passionate about taking on the role of alpha after Rory left us.  I have no regrets.  If I knew 9 months ago that that day would be the last day, I would not change a thing.  Every sacrifice, every dollar spent, every hour spent with you was worth it and I am sure in your own way you enjoyed the time you had left with the people that you loved and that includes Duncan and Amelia.  I think they are still in shock.  They seem a little lost without you.  We all do.  

We are all born to die, it is what we do in between that matters.  I will remember the good times you gave us and I will smile when I think about you.  RIP my sweet goldita.  I will never forget you and will miss you forever.

Something from my past....

My relationship with my first husband should have been just someone who I dated.  I was hearing music from the 90s and it triggered a memory of when I first met him.  We had so much fun.  We were so young.  It should have only been a fun fall to spring fling and then it would have died down.  I am sure of it.

It sounds cruel I know.  I was preggers and I really wanted to try to make it work.  We were married for 13 years.  Really truly married for 12 since the last year was basically me trying to leave and left and months of just trying to survive while seprated.

In those years, we had our fair share of good friends and good times.  He really was a fun guy, but looking back I didnt really know him when we got married.  We had been dating for 5 months when I got pregnant.  I was 18.  Jesus, now thinking about it and having all this experience on me, I cannot believe I went through with it.  I wanted my kid, of that I am sure of, but I was unsure of marrying someone I hardly knew.  My parents made it sound like I had no choice, so I had to try to make it work.  Looking back at that time, I was kinda hoping they would see my side of it and let me try being a single mother.  I can't believe my parents pushed for marriage.  They didnt even know him.  I always felt like they were punishing me for having sex and getting pregnant.  Such is life I guess.

I'm not hating on it.  After all, those experiences partly shaped who I am now.  

But going back to my original point.  If I were to think of us as just dating and someone who I dated for a while when I was 18, I would like to think that it would be a fun memory.  It was nice to remember the person he was when we first met.  Who knows what would have been or who we would be had we not been pressured to go thru with the marriage.

Birthday post

Today is my birthday.  It's barely 1 pm and I already got sang to, got flowers, bday cake, congratulations on social media, texts and phone calls.

I am very blessed to have so many loving people in my life.  

Turns out even my son is coming over to celebrate me today.  

I am just feeling very loved today and I wanted to blog about it so if I am ever in doubt that I matter, even if a little bit to some people, I will come back to this blog and remind myself that I am being too hard on myself as always. 

52 years old.  I dont feel it.  I have lived my life the way I have wanted to and really time does fly when you're having fun.  Where did all the years go?  This is crazy, I was still in my 30's when we first bought the house and that wasnt so long ago.  

I do feel like I am transitioning to a new era.  I feel a lot more secure about myself.  I feel like I am still growing of course, but just a bit more fearless.  I have come to learn over the years that nothing is as bad as it seems and things can always be better.  Even when things are great, you can keep striving to be even better.  

I do miss my dad.  He was already gone last birthday but it had been too recent so I was still going through grief so I didnt really feel it then, but I felt it now.  He was always one of the first ones to call me.  I had my moment where I teared up over it.  But I moved on.  I have plenty to enjoy and be thankful for.

To anyone reading, I hope you have as much as a lovely day as I am having right now.  Sending virtual hugs. 

Until next time.

Friends and get togethers 2024 edition

Before I start writing about this, I want to make sure that I state that I mean no real offense to anyone and this is just me using this medium as some sort of therapy.  I am sure 99% of people I know IRL dont read my stuff or dont know about this blog.  But I mean no offense to any of them as I love them all dearly.

Weird how life changes so much in a span of a handful of years.  I see my past photos of friends and get togethers and I miss that fun and comraderie.  Why have we all grown so apart?  

I could say I have outgrown them, but they could have also outgrown me.  Or maybe we have picked up different interests along the way.

I went to a get together to a friend's house this past weekend.  It had been ages since we last got together like this.  Like the whole group.  I wanted to go, I keep saying I want to meet new people and make new friends but these people have been my friends for years and I care deeply for them, it's just... not the same anymore.  

I had been wanting to get out of the house and socialize and get dressed up, etc.  Just normal human activity and interaction.  X doesnt care for it too much.  He would be happy not leaving the house ever.  I like staying in, but every now and then, I need to get out.  I feel like I suffocate if I dont get out out of the house sometimes.

X was out.  He didnt wanna go so he didnt go.  My stepson (M20) decided he would accompany me bc he was also bored and wanted to leave the house as well.  So off we went.

So going back to the party.  Everyone was very welcoming and inviting.  It was nice to see everyone.  But if I am honest, it almost felt forced.  By the second hour I was there, I started to realize what am I doing here?  I feel more alone now than I did before I left the house.  My girlfriends, all they do is talk about diseases.  WTF kind of a party is this?  I get that sometimes it turns a bit personal and you can share shit for 5-10 minutes at most but you shouldnt make the whole night about that.  

I looked around, another GF was just quietly sitting across from us getting drunk.  Either because she was bored or didnt want to think about her own ailments.  A couple of the guys didnt even bother coming outside.  They stayed inside watching loud concerts.  I would have gone inside, but it was waaaaay too loud.  So no chance for a conversation at all.  Another one of my guy friends was sitting accross from me just shooting the shit and honestly the better part of the night and it wasnt even that much better either.  The rest of the people were moving around from outside to inside and I guess trying to find a comfort spot to hang out in.

This went on for a good 45 minutes to an hour until I told myself, what are you still doing here?  Why are you forcing yourself to be here and be bored to tears.  I felt like whatever disease they were talking about I was starting to get symptoms of it.  To each their own I guess.  But I dont like talking about negative stuff.  And these girls, everytime they get together, thats all they talk about.  Like dont you have anything else to talk about?  Separated, those 2 can be quite fun, but I know that if they get together it turns into a bitchfest about ailments and bad relationships.  

Dont get me wrong, I care about my pals, I just dont want to hear about the same thing over and over.  Tell me the 2 min version and then lets move on, ya know?  Unless we specifically met to talk about this, a party is not the place to do this IMO.

So am I the asshole here?  I can't help the way I feel and I do try to be nice and give everyone my attention when they need it.  But this time I felt like I was just there like another piece of furniture.  I tried to change the conversation to something more light, but it didnt work.  Then when I finally said, ok let's go, both hosts were like, OH NO, why so early?  Like really?  (BTW, stepson said hed never go again lol).

So my whole point about this is, I went out because I felt like I needed a change in atmosphere and just socialize.  I dont know what I was expecting TBH, but I left the place feeling more lonely than before I got there.  I just cant relate to anyone at the moment and I feel lost.  

This has nothing to do with my household or my family (that's a whole other thing).  This is specifically my local friends.  And with that being said, I am probably just as un-interesting to them.  Or maybe it was just an off night.  Or the setting was not ideal and everyone pretty much forced ourselves to go for the same reason I did.

I may be the problem, I expect too much and there's maybe not much left to enjoy.  IDK.  I will try again sometime soon.

In my thoughts today...

My dad. He always enjoyed a good ice cream. He loved floats too. And swimming. And fun outdoorsy things like going to water parks and getting on all the rides. Everything he did in his life, he enjoyed. Even work. Up until the very end, he had goals and plans. He is an inspiration to live life to the fullest and never stop trying new things, or just trying at anything you do. He was a very hard worker but when it came time to enjoy, man did he.

Papi, You always worried about leaving a legacy of righteousness, I told you that if anyone ever taught me to be fair in life, it was you. And if anyone taught me to enjoy even the smallest things in life, it was you. So although I will always miss you, I will also enjoy everything life has to offer me because that's what you did and that's how it should be. And I hope if there is an afterlife, you're enjoying the most delicious ice creams and floats Thank you so much for everything.

Rainy days and Mondays...

 I wish I was home today.  I love rainy days but I love them more from home.  Something about gloomy cool days, comfy clothes, warm socks and a couch with the curtains and blinds open.  

We have a San Antonio trip coming up this Wednesday/Thursday for Clara's treatment.  This will be the same kind of weather and quote frankly I can't wait.  I'm hoping we can enjoy Wednesday night before it rains and go get some dinner at the river.  

The weather is perfect for an early dinner outside.  And then cuddles in our hotel room while we watch a movie.  These trips can be a pain in the ass for sure, but they are necessary for my Clara.  And although these are literally cancer treatments and there may be sad times ahead, it is all a matter of perception when we take these trips.  So I try to make it a special event, rather than a boring visit.  I think it works.  I think X also enjoys our time alone and the time we give her when we take these trips.

I will especially enjoy a cool and rainy day.

This is today at home 

Just... something.

Who could have thought that things would hurt even more as time goes by.  Why do people say that time heals all?  It's more like time allows you to get used to the pain.  Or maybe as we get older, the feeling is more pronounced, like it resonates more.  Or maybe it has nothing to do with dearly departed family or friends.  Maybe it has to do with growing older, body changes, hormones, i dont know.  All I can say is that I am very very sad.  I am really good at shaking it off and building my walls until it goes away.  This time, this past 2 weeks, it just kept growing and this past weekend I actually had to take a normalizer because it was unbearable to even breathe.  Is this what clinical depression feels like?  I dont want to be on pills, I like knowing that I am in control but this was scary.  After the pill I took I was able to finally breathe easy and relax.  I took a nap and then was able to have a good night sleep.  I feel a lot better today.  I am hoping this was just a random episode.  I dont have time for this.  I need a mental break and so I am taking a couple of days off to relax and allow myself to enjoy a different ambiance.  Maybe that is all I need.  Regardless, I am looking forward to this.  Being near X always makes me feel better too.  I think I may blog about this trip here.  I feel like I only come and pour sadness and despair and that is not the only thing I have in my life.  

Ill do my best to share pics and experiences from this coming weekend.