I am listening to Pandora and this song from Tom Petty came on and because I had no clue what to name this blog, I named it that.
So I know that I can get myself in trouble more often than not because of things I say. I can be hurtful sometimes. But I am probably one of the most honest people you will ever meet. And I mean well. I really do. I don't have an evil bone in me. Ok, maybe 1 or 2. But not vicious. Just human I guess.
I don't give a shit what people think of me. Yet, my parents, mainly my mother, still have a certain hold of me. And I say certain because I still do as I please, but they always find a way to make me feel shitty. I seriously don't understand what their problem is. And it's not fighting or anything, they just say the wrong things. I had a talk with them this last time and I don't think they paid too much attention. My mother will never admit she's wrong. Not to her children anyway. Maybe next time when I walk out on her while she's yapping her bullshit, she'll get it. Nah, she will probably turn it around and make it all about her... hmm... sounds familiar. Hey, at least I recognize it when I fuck up. I've learned how to apologize when I used to never, ever do it. It was really tough for me to change that about me. I think I'm more humble than she is.
Maybe my parents have never seen me this happy. I was always a bitter sarcastic bitch. YES, more than I am today. Even though it wasn't all bad, I was in a marriage I didn't want to be in. I was just not happy. It wasn't fulfilling. For a long time I lived the way everyone else expected me to. Sure, some people may think I still got away with a bunch of shit, but believe me, I WAS unhappy. When I decided to leave, I stepped on some people and I wish there would've been an easier way but there never is. I did what I could with what I had. And like I've said before, you have to be selfish in life sometimes to achieve your goals. I think my parents can't understand that. My mother is just jealous of anything I like or love that has nothing to do with her. She was like that with my ex-husband, my friends, my job, etc. And now that I think about it, she was like that with ALL my friends. Yeah, even the ones that were family. I remember when I was married, she said my ex-husband was a drunk and so were all my friends. I used to hang out with my dad's cousin a lot when I recently got divorced. She didn't like that either, said we drank too much. Then I moved in with X and even though I hardly go out anymore, she thinks I drink a lot too. Maybe she wants me to drink with her. I dunno. But I'm tired of her shit.
She's a pain in the ass but I tolerate it, because she's my mom and I do love her. But then when I do go see her and my dad, they both always have something to say. Something negative. Why does there always need to be a lecture? Ugh. I mean, even though I am not there every day, she will have to learn that people have lives that don't include them. Sad maybe, but parents do become our sub-life. She asks what am I going to do if one of them dies and the other becomes sick and/or senile. Dude, you're like 56, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. We'll figure it out if it ever does. Guilt will not work on me. I'm selfish, sorry. After all this, I told her I might move to Austin one day. I'll start going to school here but maybe I'll finish there, I dunno. She didn't like that either. What does she want? For me to be on standby in case she needs me? She's nuts. That's just no way to live. I mean, for all we know I may get sick one day and what? Am I going to look to see who is going to put their shit aside so they can help me? No. That's just irresponsible. Sorry mom, but I am not gonna be stuck here all my life just because one day you may become ill. With any luck, I would have finished my school and have a decent paying job so that I can afford to bring you home with me and I can pay for a palomita. And if I can't afford that, I'll figure it out then. But for now, shut up. This is my only life and I intend to live it.
Enough of my parents.
I didn't write this so people understand me better or praise me for being such a bad ass. I just felt like putting it out there so people that are weak know that just because you whine and give guilt trips, it won't get you anywhere. Not with people like us. So stop wasting your time.
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