So much has happened since. The pandemic of 2020 for starters. I am not going to get into it, but I survived it. I am a veteran of all strains covid since I have gotten it 3 times that I know of. The last one was almost non existent, I have gotten worse colds.
My husband's kids eventually moved in with us. One of them already moved out. Life is just moving at an incredible pace. I blogged before about how we should also enjoy montonous moments but man, they go by so fast. Hours dont seem to last as long as they used to, even when I am bored.
I dont have the time or the patience to write what has happened in my life since I last came here. The reason I came back was because I want to share what I have been through in the last 8 months. My life and that of my family's has been pure chaos. It seems like it is starting to settle down a bit, but man, spring of 2023, fuck you. It has not been the most pleasant.
Around Thanksgiving of 2022, my sister almost died. She had a hysteroctomy, whether it was because the dr did a shit job or she didnt take care of herself, or both, I am unsure. But she spent months in and out of the hospital and doctor's visits to be able to recover from it. Finally when we think everything will be ok, my dad gets sick around february 2023. They found cancer in his gall bladder (rare cancer), the tumor was removed but it had metastasized to his liver and lungs. So this was already stage 4. I really believe there was negligence from his initial doctors. He started developing liquid on the side of one of his lungs from all the surgeries he had and they still sent him home. This all started the last week of February by the midle of March he was not getting better enough to start treatment. Rather than put him in an ambulance or go to a bigger city (which is what I wanted), he remained home. Just waiting for radiology to be able to have time for him to pump out the liquid. When they finally had him in the hospital right before his procedure, he gets a stroke and gets flown to San Antonio. Long story short, 2 weeks later on the early morning of April 4th 2023, he dies. He didnt expire, pass away, cease to exist or any of those nicer words people like to say when this happens. He fucking died.
I have kept my cool. I have kept to myself mostly about it, I have opened up to a couple of people and even then, not as much as they think. I understand how things work. I have lost other people in my life, very dear people that have left a mark in my life and that I will never forget. But this is different. It is so very different when it is one of your parents. One will never understand until it happens to them. It really does affect you in a different way. My dad and I were close. I guess we couldve been closer, I couldve put in more effort, but such is life.
Some people would like to think one day we will see him again. Some people pray and they feel better doing so. I think I am spiritual but I also believe that the end is just that... the end. But when it happens to someone who has been there your entire life, who you have known since birth and have grown with, it becomes so very real. And you want to believe that maybe there is a way to connect with the dead somehow. But as time goes by, reality sets. And the reality is, I will never phisically ever see him again. Ever. In my dreams, in my thoughts, in videos or pictures, I may even feel his presence sometimes if I think of him enough and listen to his music or watch the shows we used to watch and critique. Yes, I do believe he will always be a part of me and it does comfort me. But I will never really see him again. He stopped growing. His life stopped and interrupted whatever else he would become in his twilight years. And I am going to miss that. Whether it was going to be wonderful or painful, it was still going to be some sort of experience that I was really looking forward to having and sharing with him. I miss him more than anyone knows. People for the most part think I am cold and in some things I am. But my heart is shattered right now. I know it will mend and I want to stop feeling this way but I understand this is part of my process and I will have to get through it. Time will help me heal.
Oh I forgot to mention, right when we were planning the ceremony for my dad, mid April, my husband lost his job he had been at for 25 years. For all his years of service, they gave him a shitty severance that has kept him from receiving unemployment until August. It pisses me off, but not because of the money. The emotional baggage that comes with losing a job you put so much of yourself into is tough. He is resilient and puts on a brave face, but I know it hurt. He's not a robot, of course it hurt and I feel like I have not been there emotionally 100% for him the way I should because I am over here feeling sorry for myself because I lost a parent.
I am not the 1st or last to lose a parent. It is, after all the natural order of things. He was 71. Lived a full healthy life, worked until the end. He was fine, until he wasnt. I knew the cancer would eventually take him. I just really wish the stroke hadnt happened. The last 2 weeks of his life, he could not communicate with us and that really sucked. To not be able to express your last thoughts. Such a shitty way to go. Especially for a man like him. Who liked to express his opinions and give advice and write lovely letters on special and not so special occasions. He was even writing a story about his time as a teenager back in the 60s. He loved writing. So I am sure knowing the end was coming, he had something to say about it. I so wanted to read those thoughts.
This is probably the reason I came back here. So I can express my thoughts on here again. Make sure theres a permanent footprint of me left behind somewhere. My dad inspired me to keep writing even if it is just blogs about my life or thoughts. Maybe someone will one day come across it. It is a public blog after all. So he couldnt express his last thoughts and that tortures me, but writing has always helped me heal. I will make myself think that this is his way of telling me to come back here and heal my broken soul. Because that was one of the last conversations we had. He told me he didnt want me to worry or be sad. So I will do this to honor that.
As I write this last paragraph, I am listening to Buffalo by RCPM and although the lyrics have nothing to do with what I am feeling, I embrace the way the melody makes me feel. But I digress....I want you, the reader, to know I am ok and I will be ok. If you are going through something traumatic, it will pass. Just like everything else. One day we stop breathing and our heart stops beating and that will be that. But life keeps on going for those of us left behind and although this wont be my only sad story to tell, I know there will be good stories as well. I will make the effort to share those as well. Life is beautiful. Enjoy it.
